It’s Friday ag-… Agh, what’s the point.
Seriously. Chances are you’re reading this on Monday or who knows what other day of the week, so what’s the point of coming up with a clever introductory paragraph?
Also, you’re probably in a food coma from all that Thanksgiving dinner you all had on Thursday. And yes, I mean those of you who are non-American as well, since you all probably got together to celebrate with your American friends and stuffed your faces with Argentine turkey. Let’s face it. No matter where you are from, you never turn down a feast.
So whatever. I don’t care if you’re reading this on Black Friday or Christmas as long as you keep yourself informed.
- Remember his name, kids. Remember his name. Jorge “Coqui” Capitanich, our brand new Cabinet Chief (or Chief of Staff, or whatever you want to call him) is the man that is coming to save the Government and the Kirchnerite movement’s answer to the new rising star of Peronism, Sergio Massa. Capitanich has taken the media by storm. Of course, he’s no stranger to the local population. He already served as Cabinet Chief back in 2002 during the Duhalde administration, so he’s not new to the job. Until two weeks ago he was the governor of Chaco and one of Cristina’s most loyal rabid dogs. Despite severe criticism from the press and NGOs that he seems to be running the province like a feudal lord, his human rights policies and accusations of alleged alliances with the most conservative sectors of the Catholic Church, Capitanich is a camera-friendly politician. He loves to talk to the media and everyday at 8 am, he meets with the Casa Rosada press corps and answers all their questions, a departure from the National Government’s previous “don’t-talk-to the-press” policy. He smiles, he jokes and seems accessible. Although his strategy for answering questions is actually quite astute: he leaves his office and gets surrounded by countless journalists who ask their questions all at the same time. So in the madness of moment, he cleverly picks the question he wants to answer and responds.
- Surprised by the lack of Cristina news this week? She seems to have taken the backseat. It’s her Cabinet’s time to shine now. Although she did make the news this week, after showing up at a meeting wearing a white shirt, suggesting that, after three years of wearing black, she is indeed leaving her mourning period behind.
- Oh, and despite rumors to the contrary, no Christmas bonus for workers and pensioners this year. Sorry, old people! Everybody must contribute during times of a crisis. Your contribution is not getting a Christmas bonus. Thanks.
- Remember how last year Spanish oil company Repsol was a monster that needed to be euthanized, so the President valiantly marched in and expropriated our precious YPF from them before something bad happened? Turns out it’s all good now! Argentina will pay 5 billion dollars to Repsol and if you ask any more questions we will kill you.
- Argentina, England and the Malvinas/Falklands are back to their usual shenanigans now that our country has passed a bill threatening oil businesses who operate off the islands with fines and jail sentences for the executives. It’s the whole natural resources thing, you know?
- Next time one of you losers steals a bull (yes, a bull) from a farm to try and eat it, make sure you don’t drive around with its freaking carcass in the backseat or the police might pull you over. And yes, that happened for real.
- The video of a woman screaming at a Movistar store is the most popular thing in Argentina this week. What you probably don’t know is that there’s an extended version that is a lot worse, and that the woman, who originally had our sympathy because we’ve all been screwed by cell phone companies, seems to be just a crazy person.
- I guess the scariest part is watching the cops do absolutely nothing because they are scared of her.
- Ricardo Fort, our favorite TV personality, passed away this week. We remembered him with his top five performances. Local TV remembered him by, well, discussing his death, his family, his children, his sexuality, his fortune, his health, his traumas, his dreams, his clothes, his cars, his travels, his tastes, his boyfriend, his past boyfriends, his past girlfriends, his plastic surgeries, his failures and his death again.
- And he officially became our very own Michael Jackson when his family had his body exhumed after malpractice accusations. You thought this was over? Wrong. It’s only getting started.
- And in football news, it seems the National Team will have an official song for the 2014 World Cup next year. Is that a thing? Do teams have “official songs”? I heard of the tournament having an official song, but a team? When do they play it? Do players enter the football field dancing to it? How does it work? Whatever. I’m not really interested anyway. Anyway, it looks like Tan Bionica, in my opinion one of the best new pop bands in this country, have been tasked with the job of giving Messi a tune to dance to next year. It’s a shame, because they write really good music but a football-related song is definitely going to suck. Remember Alfredo Casero’s terrifying “Shima uta,” which was chosen as the official song for the Argentine team during the 2002 World Cup in Jap-… Oh, that’s right! I guess I had heard about teams having an official song before. I just chose not to remember it, because football. But anyway, remember Shima Uta? No, of course you don’t chances are you weren’t even here.
- I know, right? Yikes. Let’s just go back to Tan Bionica and close today’s roundup with their best song, Ciudad Mágica, a pretty accurate description of nightlife in Buenos Aires. Enjoy the weekend, kids!