It’s Friday again!
And even though this week was all about Justin Bieber’s totally forgettable visit to Argentina, other things went down in this country that are equally insane.
This is what you need to know about Justin Bieber and some other less important information, such as the President’s health condition:
- She’s back! After almost 40 days of absence, our favorite president is making a come back this Monday. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, who had brain surgery last month in order to have a blood clot removed from under her skull, is ready for action after her doctors cleared her last Monday to get back to work. And prepare yourself, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. A lot has happened in the last 40 days. Her party lost the midterms. The Supreme Court ruled in favor of the controversial Media Law. There was another train crash at the Once station. So if anything, her come-back speech will be emotional, will involve yelling, scolding, screaming, crying and chest-banging. The masses will be ecstatic, the flags will be waving high as the official lame duck period begins. So make sure you don’t miss it.
- Who am I kidding? Of course you will miss it, you will just wait for us to put it up. Everything is so on-demand these days. Live TV is for losers.
- A bicameral committee in Congress has began debating the new Civil and Commercial Code, which hasn’t been amended since the mid-1800’s. In the committee, every party has come up with a draft bill to include several modifications, but the most important draft is the one presented by the Fernández de Kirchner administration, since it is the one most likely to be passed (Kirchnerism may have lost the midterms, but it still retains a majority in both houses of Congress.) So imagine the surprise for us (“us” as in “progressives,” not “Kirchnerites”) when after taking a look at the draft bill we found out that, when it comes to certain progressive causes such as abortion and surrogacy, the National Government seems to side with the Catholic Church and A) It proposes that life begins at conception (a provision that, if included, will most certainly make the legalization of abortion impossible,) and B) No mention of surrogacy whatsoever. Many believed that after landmark legislation in favor of marriage equality, gender identity and assisted fertilization, surrogacy was the next big thing. We were wrong. Bummer. The bill includes some very much-needed legislation related to land rights, adoption and marriage. But when it comes to those two, Cristina says no.
- And that shouldn’t come as a surprise. She may be the most gay-friendly Head of State in the world, but when it comes to abortion she has been very clear about it: she’s absolutely against it. Especially now with an Argentine Pope and we’re all super Catholic and shit.
- We may be super Catholic but, praise Jesus, we’re not ultra-Catholic. Nah, the ultra-Catholic are a bunch of backward, racist weirdos who made the news around the world this week after they interrupted a ceremony at the Metropolitan Cathedral to protest the presence of Jews in an inter-religious ceremony that was being celebrated to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the Kristallnacht. (And they put me in the awkward position of having to defend the regular cafeteria Catholics who do whatever the fuck they want during the week because they go to mass on Sunday and get cleansed.) Turns out these ultra-idiots still live in the 12th century and did not approve of the Pope’s idea to mix Catholics and Jews under the cathedral’s roof. Because, you know. Religion. So they just infiltrated the ceremony and burst into prayer until they were effectively kicked out by the Federal Police.
- Oh-oh. Looks like politicians from all over the country have finally realized that drug trafficking in the country is growing and it is “kind of a problem.” All they needed was for the Catholic Church to go “Yo, you got a drug problem!” and now everyone is running around in circles, arms in the air because the drug lords are taking over and we’re well on our way to becoming the next Afghanistan. And the truth is that things are indeed getting worse, and headlines like this are not filling us with confidence either. Argentina has gone from exporting drugs to producing drugs in a very short period of time and the Government has done very little to address the problem. The Supreme Court this week urged the administration to take action immediately, especially in the northern borders, which are extremely porous. Drug lords are getting comfortable to such an extent here that Antonio Bonfatti, governor of Santa Fe, was attacked by unknown assailants last month while he was at home with his family presumably due to his policies against the drug trafficking business. (This was the worst attack against a political leader since the return of democracy in 1983.) So yeah. Fun times.
- Local mechanic Jorge Odón had a dream in which he managed to create a device that could help save babies stuck in the birth canal. The World Health Organization loves his device, which may help save the lives of thousands of babies in third world countries. He has now made it to the New York Times. Slow clap, sir. Well deserved. (This was a sarcasm-free bullet point.)
- The blue dollar (black market exchange rate) dangerously neared the 10-peso mark again. The so-called “dollar Messi” is still not a thing.
- Oh and the Central Bank reserves are not doing so well either since the financial institution is losing over a billion dollars a month. Man, Cristina is gonna be pissed when she gets back to work.
- If you ever needed any more proof to understand that Salta is like living in some sort of alternate universe, the Workers’ Party had a strong performance in the provincial elections last week. A Trotskyist party. Because nothing says “progress” like living in a perpetual October Revolution.
- The UN says Latin America is the most insecure region in the world. Don’t tell your parents.
- Meanwhile, in Italy… there’s a guy saying that the Pope’s fairly progressive efforts to reform the Catholic Church are upsetting the ‘Ndrangueta, one of the most dangerous mafia organizations in the European country, despite having a hilarious name that sounds like a furry alien race from the Star Wars universe. My favorite part in all this is that these mafia people are strongly Catholic, and not only they kill people for a living, they may actually be considering getting rid of the Pope. God bless them.
- Alright, here’s what we’re going to do this week. It is pretty much out there that I hate football. And why wouldn’t I? It’s football, after all. It deserves to be hated. However, I am ready to not make fun of the football lifestyle this week, in exchange of one little favor. You footballers have to promise you will stop giving football t-shirts to Pope Francis. Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. Lalo Zanoni’s e-Blog has a pretty neat photo collection featuring the Pope holding a football t-shirt while standing alongside some dude and smiling miserably for the camera. And yes, I know the Pope likes the football (I guess he isn’t perfect), but get him something else, for Christ’s sake. It’s like when a few years ago I was a fan of the TV show 24 and people just kept getting stuff that was 24-related for my birthday, Christmas and any other holiday. If you entered my apartment circa 2008 there was so much Jack Bauer memorabilia lying around you would have thought I was an alienated sociopath on my way to assassinate Kiefer Sutherland. It’s not fun, you guys. Stop.
- In other football-related news, Lionel Messi got hurt again and will be out of play for two months. And a promise is a promise so I’m not gonna make fun of anything and just wish him a speedy recovery.
- And this isn’t football-related, but it’s still gossip and I know how much you love that shit. Former blowjob queen and current respectable housewife Wanda Nara is back on the market! Or so it seems. After being married to football player Maxi López for x amount of years (sorry, that’s as much research I’m willing to do on this,) ten days ago she announced via Twitter that their relationship was no more:
Hasta acá llego mi amor
— wanda nara (@wanditanara) November 6, 2013
- Tragic, I know. But life goes on one way or the other. And for these guys, the telenovela was just beginning. After finding out that that creep López had not “made love to her in three months,” a third party joined the conversation and before we knew it, we were dealing with the most ridiculous love triangle since King Kong: Mauro Icardi, Internazionale football player and long time friend of the couple decided to publicly announce that he was in love with the blonde bombshell. Via Twitter.
- After his diabetes-inducing tweet (and her alleged “surprise” to the announcement,) this photo of the three of them on a boat surfaced.
- And the Twittersphere decided it was time to have fun.
Mauro Icardi, Maxi López y Wanda. pic.twitter.com/GOSwTf6lUo
— Jacinto Jaimez (@ElJazu) November 14, 2013
- Also, when I referred to her as “former blowjob queen” I wasn’t being mean, people. Just check her Wikipedia page and get to the “El pete de Wanda Nara” part. That is some good late night reading material. It’s like a poorly translated erotic novel in Twitter form:
In 2007 appeared a porn video of her known as Wanda Nara Sexo oral or El pete de Wanda Nara that became the focus of all media in Argentina. She said the woman in the video was not her but it was found out that it was indeed her. Later she requested all television media that do not broadcast their erotic video.
- Beautiful stuff.
- Let’s talk Justin Bieber. Yes, I know you’re sick of him but come on. We need to keep milking this cow for as long as we can. Here at The Bubble we have pretty much covered the most important
aspects of his tour from hell, but in a nutshell here’s what the Bieber fever left us:
- He got kicked out of his room by the Faena Hotel. Turns out his crazy fans went from “haha” crazy to “Oh my God she has a knife!” crazy. The hotel’s guests were outraged.
- He got “food poisoning” from an alleged empanada. No one believed him, everyone thought he just couldn’t handle his alcohol from the night before.
- On Sunday night he quit mid-show because of “food poisoning.” Fans were outraged.
- He desecrated the Argentine flag. The entire Argentine population was outraged.
- Lawmakers in the Chaco Lower House presented a draft bill calling for Justin Bieber to be declared persona non grata. Oy.
- After his bodyguards roughed up a photographer while he was leaving a nightclub in Palermo, the AFIP impounded his assets, worth US$2 million.
- As the scandal with the flag grew exponentially, Bieber was forced to apologize via Twitter.
- Can’t wait for him to come back in two years or so. If things keep going this way he is going to murder a fan on stage.
- Last Sunday, it was announced that an unnamed pensioner from Hurlingham, in the Buenos Aires province, had been the historic winner of $63 million pesos in the Loto (Lotto) jackpot. His identity remained unknown since, considering we’re living in the most insecure region in the world, you may not want the entire world to know you have suddenly become a millionaire. Kidnappings and home invasions and stuff, you know? So despite the widespread media coverage and intrigue, no one could identify the lucky gambler and two days later public interested just died off.
- That is until Tuesday morning, when actress, TV hostess and self-proclaimed larger-than-life diva Moria Casán tweeted the following:
Día triste y alegre, mi ama de llaves incondicional me abandonó primera vez que alguien me abandona y es una mujer — Moria Casán (@Moria_Casan) November 13, 2013
“A day of joy and sadness. My loyal housekeeper has abandoned me. First time anyone abandons me, and it’s woman.”
su marido único ganador del loto 63.000.000 I CAN`T BELIEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ESTOY EN SHOCK QUE NO ES SUSANESCO JA! — Moria Casán (@Moria_Casan) November 13, 2013
“Her husband is the only Loto winner 63,000,000 I CAN’T BELIEVEEEEEEEEEEEEE I’M IN SHOCK”
- And just like that, the fortunate Loto winner and his former housekeeper of a wife were outed in the most unimaginable way possible by their former boss, who had one more card up her sleeve to continue making their lives miserable even after the woman had quit. Now they are walking targets for life. The End.
- Also, “housekeeper“? Seriously, 2013.
Enjoy the weekend, kids.