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The Friday Roundup, August 2 – A Gay Friendly Pope And Other Tales Of Hope

By | [email protected] | August 2, 2013 8:10pm

Finally, a progressive Pope who doesn't tell the gays to drop dead. (Photo/Wikipedia)

Finally, a progressive Pope who doesn’t tell the gays to drop dead. (Photo/Wikipedia)

It’s Friday again!

And it’s late and you want to go party. Without preambles, this is what you need to know:

  • Turns out the Pope might be gay friendly after all! Of course, by the Catholic Church standards, “gay friendly” means “the gays shall not be stoned to death.” But hey! Any progress is always welcome. I have a good feeling about this. Maybe in 200 years the Church will finally apologize to the gay community and admit they were just wrong. I mean, how long did it take them to apologize to Galileo? Oh, that’s right. 350 years. Hope, people. Hope.
  •  The IMF still wants us to provide them with “trustworthy economic figures.” If we fail to comply, we leave them no choice but to ask us again.
  • Barack Obama has tapped Los Angeles businessman Noah Mamet to become the next US ambassador to Argentina. If confirmed, he will very soon enjoy the benefits of what the Washington Post calls “a fine embassy.” As in “Damn, embassy. You’re fine!” Also, we expect him to become a fan of The Bubble immediately.
  • Have you seen these two guys?


  • Not to freak you out or anything, but they are up to no good. And don’t let the Wilford Brimley mustache fool you. These monsters were active during the last dictatorship and have been found guilty of human rights violations. Problem is, well, they have escaped. But here’s the good news: if your help is instrumental to their capture, you get 2 million pesos! Oh, now I have your attention. You make me sick.
  • But wait! Because on Thursday fire rescuers found human remains as they were canvassing the area affected by the blaze. Obviously everybody gasped, since initially no deaths had been registered. But upon further inspection, the firefighters concluded that the bones had been there “for at least two years.” Phew. Happy ending, then! Moving on.
  • Speaking of weird, last Monday some municipal workers from the Zárate Parks Department (Zárate is a city 90 kilometers to the north of Buenos Aires. There. I just saved you three seconds of your time. I knew you were not going to click on that link anyway) were mowing the lawn, minding their own business probably singing and dancing to the tune of “Danger Zone” when suddenly – BOOM! – a missile. OK, that “Boom” was just used for effect, not to describe that the missile had exploded. Poor use of onomatopoeia. My bad. But seriously, they found a missile. And not just a missile. An armed missile. Because in this country, if you’re gonna find a missile it better be armed. That’s just how we roll. Since the (misplaced?) missile was just located a few meters away from a gas station, the bomb squad had to bury it and then blow it up. Also, if any of you lost a missile, you’re in back luck because it’s been, well, “used.” Oh, and the authorities would like to have a word with you, since they have no idea where it came from.
  • And if you need to know, it wasn’t a missile, it was actually a rocket. Like the ones you use on a rocket launcher. We in the media just said missile because it sounds a lot scarier. So relax, no reason to panic.
  • Once gain, cab fare has gone up. Since yesterday, it’s 10 pesos upon entry and 0,90 cents for each additional unit. Oh and remember that it gets worse at night (from 10 pm to 6 am): 12 pesos upon entry and 1,20 pesos for each additional unit. How these guys stay in business, I’ll never know.
  • Kids. That word alone is already a synonym of diabolical mischief and less-than-satisfactory behavior. There’s a reason why TIME magazine is running this cover this week. As we all know, kids suck. So when kids are annoying and capricious, specially at their young age, is when we must shape them with strong discipline so they can turn into unimaginative adults and proudly sport a crew-cut in the 1950s. This must have been what a kindergarten teacher in Mendoza had in mind when, in order to discipline one of her young -yet surely precocious- students, decided to lock him up in a small space between two open doors. But alas, the curse of modern day technology once again interfered, as a member of the school staff captured the whole thing with his cell phone and now everyone is upset. Curse you, Thomas Alva Edison. CURSE YOU! Grow a pair, society!

  • Oh grow a pair, society! He didn’t even die.

    Children. Always a pain in the ass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    Children. Always a pain in the ass. (Photo/Wikipedia)

  • There’s a clear witch hunt going on in Mendoza against teachers who try to prepare their students to understand that life is full of disappointment and grief. On top of that incident caught on tape, now it seems a 10-year-old girl in the same province was bullied so much she had to be moved to another school or, as she threatened, she was going to kill herself. Fortunately the school’s principal was there to explain why she was being bullied: “That girl has a great problem. Her mom is blonde and his dad is of a dark race (sic), and she’s kinda dark skinned.” So yeah. That.
  • And in totally related news, here’s the scandal of the week: as the National Government and the opposition fight over who’s responsible for every tragedy involving the railway system (the Government says it’s the lazy engine drivers, the opposition says it’s the poor condition of the trains), here’s a video recently released by the Government showing how the drivers fall asleep on the job. Does it prove anybody’s case? I have no idea, but enough people were outraged by it.

  •  Despite my absolute disapproval and condemnation, the football is back today. It was an interesting hiatus and not having to listen to the troglodytes scream like cats in heat every time their favorite team scored was pleasant. But all good things must come to and end and so I must wave my white flag and succumb to the siren call of the barrabravas. If you’re interested in learning more about this, The Bubble’s Sam Kelly put up a nice guide to the Argentine Primera Division. Logically I have no idea what any of that means, but if you’re one of those people who are into that game, this will certainly come in handy.
  • Also, we may not have had the fútbol to entertain us on a regular basis, but that doesn’t mean we had a lack of scandals. As it turns out our favorite athlete Lionel Messi was allegedly caught in Vegas Messi-ing around. Ha! Get it? “MESSI-ING AROUND”. I came up with that myself!
  • I hate my life.

Enjoy the weekend, kids.