Skip to main content

The Cadena Nacional: Season 07, Episode 30

By | [email protected] | July 9, 2015 6:33pm


Happy Independence Day, Argentina!

You would think that on such an important day like this, political leaders would advocate for reconciliation and atonement between the ultras and the antis. After all, no matter where you stand in the political spectrum, chances are that your love for this country is unconditional and in the end, we are all able to cast our differences aside and hold hands on the 9th of July to celebrate the day we broke free from the evil clutches of the Spaniards. Right?


Because President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is here to let you know that:

A) Today is the 199th anniversary of Argentina’s independence. Fuck that, there’s no time to talk about shit that went down 199 years ago. It’s an election year so she will only talk about election stuff. If you want to learn about what happened, go Wikipedia it.

B) If you vote for “the other guy”, our country runs the risk of going back to the 90s. She doesn’t mean that literally, of course. It’s not like 40 million people will suddenly jump in a DeLorean and, after reaching 88 miles per hour, will magically travel back to a time when Menem was president, our country was pretty much fully privatized and everyone was miserable because Kirchnerism hadn’t been invented yet. No. She’s merely suggesting that if you decide to support anyone but Daniel Scioli in the coming presidential elections, chances are you will lose your job, your business, your freedom, your dignity, your money, your pension, your happiness, your family, your internal organs and quite possibly your life. She also warned about politicians who engage in fear mongering tactics in order to influence the opinion and actions of voters. So stay alert, you guys!

C) Sure, Argentina became independent in 1816. But the real independence came when her husband took office in 2003. Remember that the next time you wave your Argentine flag today. History is wrong. Her party is right.

So if you’re wondering what today’s Cadena Nacional was about, let’s just say that it was all about the fate of the country being up in the air and how awesome her administration has been (and how devastating it will be if you betray her party). In fact, the overall apocalyptic tone of her message had more to do with the 1996 blockbuster film Independence Day (starring Will Smith and some non-sexy aliens) than with Argentina’s actual independence day.

If you’re feeling patriotic, click on her full message below, which you can watch while listening to the soundtrack from that cringing scene when Bill Pullman tries to make us all think that the 4th of July celebration should become a global thing.

Go home, Bill Pullman. You’re drunk.

So Cristina went to Tucumán, where 199 years ago the congressmen that were assembled there declared the independence of the United Provinces of South America (AKA Argentina) from Spain. Joined by presidential candidate Daniel Scioli, she stressed that her administration was the one standing for a serious independence, and then talked about Greece and the threat of the ever-circling vulture funds. You know how it is.

Here are some highlights of her totally uplifting message:

  • “I was born a woman, an Argentine, and then I became a Peronist. That’s enough for me.”
  • “We shouldn’t be angry at those who think different from us.” (That one made me LOL)
  • “There’s nothing bigger than the people’s love”.
  • “We need more homeland, more sovereignty, more inclusion.”
  • “Those who criticize us so furiously, they should show us what they’ve accomplished.”
  • “I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish, I think there are still things that need to be done. There are still many things that need to be done. We need to continue the industrialization process, inclusion and job-creating policies.”
  • “What matters is how History judges you, through memory and the people’s love.”
  • “We should never get into debt to pay more debt.”
  • “There will be many attempts in the region to go back to those neoliberal policies (from the 90s) where the government becomes small so others can do business.”
  • “Our political project is really inclusive, not just for the poor but for 40 million Argentines. We’ve never been so integrated with the rest of the world, we’ve never grown as much and our businesses have never grown as much as we have now.”