Adrian Bono is away on a cruise or something so he asked me to write the roundup for him this week. I accepted, obviously, because it was such an honor, but then I remembered that I had this gig tonight and I haven’t rehearsed so I said “fuck it” and decided to do a half-assed version of the roundup because I really need this job.
Also, I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say “fuck.” If I’m not and you are offended by my lack of decorum I will first ask that you accept my apologies and then warn you that I will continue to say “fuck” because it’s totally in my nature to do so.
This is what you’re supposed to read about this week:
- President Macri is in Rome to meet with Pope Francis, who totally hates him because he fired people and also he didn’t fight that whole gay marriage thing back in 2010. Seriously, Macri was in favor of marriage equality and Pope Francis – then Jorge Bergoglio – was against it. I know, cray cray.
- Former President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner will have to testify in relation to this case and the ultra-Kirchnerites (yes, they still exist!) are up in arms about it.
- This week was a week of ridiculously insane rumors. First, former President Carlos Menem said “some people believe Cristina killed Néstor Kirchner.” As in, you know… literally killed him. You know. Like this.
- And also, a local gossip magazine reported that Daniel Scioli and Karina Rabolini have been separated for years and only stayed together because they are the Frank and Claire Underwood of Argentine politics.
- French president Francois Hollande visited Argentina and hung out with Macri and stuff. I don’t know. I was busy.
- I just read this very helpful article about what Macri and Hollande agreed to do.
- Even though kids were praying for a deep crisis and for civil war between teachers and the government, unfortunately (for them) they are going back to school on Monday now that the unions finally reached a deal.
- Zika is now being sexually transmitted in Córdoba. You’re welcome.
- OMG you guys… the conflict with the vulture funds may soon be finally over!
- There was a big demonstration against the Macri government this week because of that whole “ñoquis being fired” thing.
- Last but not least, I have some good news and bad news. The good news? Apple is reaaaaaaaaally close to coming to Argentina. The bad news? An iPhone here will cost close to AR $26,000. So… you know. Life sucks.
Enjoy the weekend, readers!