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The Underwhelmists: Clásicos Are A Letdown And We’re Sorry

By | [email protected] | April 25, 2016 12:28pm


I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for recommending you reserve your Sunday for football and football alone. I’m sorry that in four Clásicos there was one goal. Between all of them. I’m sorry that I said River and Boca looked “in fine fettle.” I’m sorry that Luis Suárez scored eight goals this week on his own and only San Lorenzo was able to find the net this weekend. I’m sorry.

You may well have wasted a not-insignificant amount of time on watching dull matches, but on the plus side the City hasn’t burned down and rioting didn’t engulf the streets.

Boca Juniors v River Plate


A Superclásico without goals. Even writing the sentence sends an unnerving shiver down my spine.

With both teams more intent on fooling the referee rather than scoring, it was an unsurprisingly uneventful affair. While end-to-end and still somehow producing a little drama, neither team was able to break the deadlock, although you’d be forgiven for thinking it should’ve been River’s to take after serial offender Pablo Pérez was sent off for a kick to Colombian centerback Éder Álvarez Balanta’s guts. And I mean a serial offender. This guy averages a yellow card every two matches. This is the sixth time in his career he’s seen red, and only one player has managed it quicker in a Superclásico. Reinaldo Carlos “Mostaza” Merlo, who was sent off in 1980 after eight minutes, two minutes faster than Pérez.

I’m dwelling on this rather a lot because, quite frankly, there’s nothing else to talk about. There were a total of eight shots on target the entire match. The last time there was a Superclásico without a goal to speak of was way, way, way back in the midst of time – the 6th of March.

There was one bright spark, and that was River’s 35-year-old attacking mid Andrés d’Alessandro who completed the most completed passes, most touches, most shots and most shots on target for his team. But it just wasn’t enough.

Perhaps the most exciting it got was Boca’s former Real Madrid midfielder Fernando Gago snapping his Achilles’ tendon. It looks as if he faces seven to eight months on the sidelines. I’m not a sadist, but seriously. Seeing the golf buggy come on to stretcher him off was genuinely a little exciting.

I don’t know what we were expecting, we have to go back over 11 months for more than one goal to be scored in the fixture.

Never mind, there’s always next time.

Newell’s Old Boys v Rosario Central


The less said about this, the better.

Racing Club v Independiente


As above.

San Lorenzo v Huracán


Over 360 minutes of football and there was one goal to show for it. Here it is:

Even that looks like an own goal.

So, once again, I’m sorry you spent your weekend watching this pish. Thank god for one minute highlight reels, eh?