Oh, who are we kidding? You’re probably reading this on Tuesday. Or at least on Monday after 12 pm, since today is a holiday and we’re pretty sure you will not wake up to read this.
Unless you’re one of those poor souls who have to work on a holiday. If you are indeed one of them, we salute you for being brave. Now read this and get back to work.
This is what you need to know:
- Cristina enacted a new Civil and Commercial Code. And this one was way overdue, since the previous code was from 1871. While it will not become effective until 2016, the new code, passed by Congress l includes a lot of progressive provisions and changes to family law, including divorce, assisted fertilization and same sex marriage. The President also said she would send to Congress a new bill in order to reform the Penal Code, which in theory would make the justice system work a lot faster. A certain motochorro cum celebrity probably disliked this.
- The Cold War is back, bitches! In one of the most memorable and awkward teleconferences ever, Cristina and Russian president Vladimir Putin happily announced the arrival of Russia Today, the Kremlin’s news network, to the Television Digital Abierta system. If you’re wondering why this is such a big deal that required both presidents to announce it, you’re not alone. And while Putin’s boredom was visible, the guy will never let an opportunity to give the middle finger to the Western world go to waste. So people, The Simpsons called it more than a decade ago. The Cold War never ended. That’s exactly what it wanted you to believe. Also, thank the Internet for this photo.
- For reasons beyond our understanding, Cristina sent a tweet in English to announce that she was about to have a teleconference with Putin. And while we considered this to be an homage to The Bubble, unfortunately people who feel that English equals imperialism and the language of Lord Voldemort were not amused.
— Cristina Kirchner (@CFKArgentina) October 9, 2014
- I don’t mean to freak you out or anything, but we’re all going to die. No, seriously. The media went into crisis mode this week after a man from Guinea who had sought refuge in Brazil in late September showed up in an emergency room in the town of Cascavel, saying he had all the symptoms of the ebola disease. Not only that, the man had apparently entered Brazil via Argentina. Right. Because somehow it ALWAYS has to be our fault, am I right? Screw you, rest of the world. And that’s not all. Also this week a man from Sierra Leone tried to enter Argentina via Bolivia and when they stopped him, he started yelling he was infected with the Ebola virus. So the result was, as expected, mass hysteria. Things got so ridiculously bad that some douchebag was selling an ozonier on Mercado Libre for 50,000 pesos which allegedly was fantastic to fight the disease. Oh, don’t look so surprised. An iPhone 6 Plus was selling for 30,000 a few weeks ago. If 20,000 more will help me fight a deadly virus, I’ll take it. Sorry, Apple.
- Sorry if you decided to become a survivalist (or “prepper”) because of our previous bullet point. Turns out the guy in Brazil didn’t have Ebola! Phew. And the guy in Bolivia was either a crazy person or the worst prankster in the world. So let this be a lesson not to trust the media when it says you’re about to die.
- Economy Minister Axel Kicillof flew to the US to meet with the International Monetary Fund in an effort to get their support in the fight against the vulture funds. And what do you know, the IMF supports Argentina’s case. It’s not really a surprise since the IMF had already said it was siding with Argentina on this one. After meeting, a triumphant Kicillof, siderburns and everything, said that “in the end, the IMF said we were right about everything.” We doubt this is exactly how they phrased it, but our country and the financial organization seem to be cozying it up a little bit.
- The Mercosur trade bloc is failing miserably at a lot of things, but at least they could agree and license plates. Too bad they look terrible. They are like something out of a James Bond movie, and I’m not talking about the suave, Daniel Craig, post 9/11 James Bond. No, I’m talking about the one from the 60s. Like something that you would see in a James Bond movie starring George Lazenby, probably the most forgettable James Bond ever. Starting in 2016, these new license plates will be mandatory in Argentina, Brazil, Uruguay, Paraguay and Venezuela.
- People in the towns of Bragado and Junin, in the Buenos Aires province, claimed this week that some new scary clowns have been spotted trying to terrify the locals. Is there a copycat on the loose? We don’t know, but the media is sure hoping for it. In fact, things are getting so out of hand that a woman claims she was chased by a guy in a clown costume who was wielding a chainsaw. Whatever you do this Halloween, stay home. Or go to a party and have sex. If the movies have taught us anything is that people get killed, no matter where they are.
Enjoy the long weekend, kids.