It's not Lady Gaga, it's the First Daughter. (Photo credit: Raul Ferrari/Télam/cl)
It’s not Lady Gaga, it’s the First Daughter. (Photo credit: Raul Ferrari/Télam/cl)

It’s Sunday again and it’s gloomy, cold and ugly.

And since chances are you’re reading this on Monday morning because you still haven’t been educated that this column comes out on Sunday night, I will not even bother with an introductory paragraph. That’s right, I’m a rebel.

This is what you need to know in order to start your week:

  • It’s a non-Christmas miracle! After four years of not talking to the press because we are mean professionals who make her sad whenever we question some of her policies, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner decided to grant an interview to one lucky journalist who would be able to spend a full hour with her. This is pure awesomeness! This is like finding the golden ticket after unwrapping a candy bar, only instead of getting to visit a chocolate factory you get to listen to Cristina rambling about her youth for 60 minutes. The last time Cristina had a sit-down interview was with actress “journalist” Soledad Silveyra back in 2009, coincidentally a few months before the midterms. The result was a train wreck of an interview, with Silveyra giggling through the interview and talking about her youth (and the worst product placement in the history of product placements: a plastic bottle of cooking oil in the presidential office.) The 2013 version of that (featured below) is no different, since ultra-Kirchnerite journalist Hernán Brienza pretty much asks her “Why are you so hot and nice?” all the time. Part Two of the interview will be broadcast next Saturday, but unless there’s like, a murder, and Cristina and Brienza team up to solve it before midnight, I can already tell you it’s gonna suck.  

 

  • First daughter and Lady Gaga look-alike Florencia Kirchner always tries to keep a low profile and, just like her mother, she hates the press. At least the press that is not sucking up to her family. She is also well-trained in the art of replying without replying, while adding a little sarcasm and a smirk to her statements whenever a journalist approaches her to ask about her life and stuff. So when she was caught attending the UNASUR Cinema Festival in San Juan to present her latest film project, my wide-eyed colleagues asked her about it and she referred them to the festival’s brochure. She also said that she enjoys walkin’ around the ‘hood and that the poor “should have access to the same things the middle and upper classes do.” And I couldn’t agree more. Let’s all work so the poor can attend the New York Film Academy if they wish to do so. Sure, it’s located right at the heart of imperialism and they probably indoctrinate you to worship the almighty Capital, but if that helps advance the cause of Latin American anti-establishment revolutionaries, so be it.
  • Also, this is the part where I roll my eyes and the anti-Kirchnerites accuse me of working for Grupo Clarín. Or sounding like Grupo Clarín. I don’t know, one of those. It’s not like I pay much attention to them anymore.
  • Florencia is not the only spawn of a Government official making waves this week. The head of the AFIP tax agency Ricardo Echegaray had to deal with his own petit watergate this week after he decided to get his adorable (and I’m sure absolutely non-spoiled) 18-year-old daughter Camila a brand new Audi A1, a US $35,000/$45,000 German car that most of you will never afford. Young Camila, probably moved to tears by her father’s altruism, decided to instagram her new ride because A) Her account is private so no nosy journalist will ever find you 😉 , and B) Fuck you, regular people. So instagram it, she did:

Cami

  • Now, two things. First: “J’aime” instead of “Likes“? How very French and Gossip Girl of you! Can I be your friend? And second: “#new #car #bday#“? Seriously? The only Spanish words in that post come from that douchebag friend of yours agusdisanto, who’s claiming to be your co-pilot? Jesus, girl. That’s not very Nac & Pop of you! Che Guevara must be rolling over in his grave! Anyway, as the collective outrage expanded over the Argentine territory, Echegaray was forced to issue a statement in order to calm the turbulent waters of the proletariat’s rightful indignation. “You don’t turn 18 every year,” he said. Which, believe it or not, is true. So whatever, if he has the money, then we celebrate the fact that he pampers and grooms his daughter like those parents do on MTV’s “My Super Sweet Sixteen.”  But the roasting was far from over because Twitter wasn’t having any of that. So Argentine Twitter users (in my opinion some of the funniest and snarkiest in the world) decided to create the hashtag #CalcomaniasParaUnAudi (stickers for an Audi). Here are some of the best: 

AUDIt this!” What’s also funny about that one is that Esteban Bullrich is the City’s Minister of Education. 

My other car is Nac & Pop

The only thing ‘left’ in me is the steering wheel”  

“How’s my driving? Balcarce 50, Buenos Aires. 011 4344-3600.” In case you’re wondering, that’s the address and phone number to this place.

“This is just another story made up by Clarín.”

“My dad got me this with your tax money.”

  • Jesus, lighten up. THEY ARE JOKES. No, there’s no evidence that this was paid with tax payer money – and in fact I don’t think it was. But that last tweet was still funny because it rhymes, so give me a break. Also, let’s all get together and work so the poor can have an Audi A1.
  • The gates of the debt realm have been reopened and Congress has passed a law that officially reopens the debt swap in a desperate attempt to convince the so-called vulture funds from leaving the dark side and joining common sense and human kindness. Only 7% of the bondholders have refused to take part in the two previous offers that Argentina made in 2005 and 2010. The case will be reviewed by the US Supreme Court by the end of the month. If the court refuses to review it and the ruling favoring the vulture funds is maintained, start packing.
  • No, seriously.
  • But not everything is bad news! I mean, mostly is. But at least Congress sometimes passes some pretty good laws. In this case it’s an anti-bullying law, which is actually looking to tackle increasing student-on-student violence. You think “Mean Girls” was fun? That’s because you never saw Mean Girls, Argentina version:

 

  • I know that the weather right now is rainy and cold, but believe it or not, a long, long time ago (last Tuesday), it was the hottest September day on record, with temperatures in the City reaching 34°C (93°F). and if you think that was bad, try San Juan, where temperatures reached 40°C (104°F) while we are still in Winter. Yeah, it’s funny, only it’s not “Haha!” funny. Come February, I have another sticker for an Audi or car or whatever your ride is: Antarctica or bust.
  • Yes, there is a town in Córdoba called “Salsipuedes” (“Sal si puedes“,) which literally means “leave if you can.” Most badass name ever that puts Silent Hill, Resident Evil and any other horror video game to shame. And surprisingly, it’s not in Salta.
  • It’s another non-Christmas miracle! This week the authorities managed to rescue 58-year-old Raúl Gómez Cincunegui, a Uruguayan man who had gone missing in
    This is the entrance to the town of Salsipuedes. See? I told you it existed. (Photo/Wikipedia)
    This is the entrance to the town of Salsipuedes. See? I told you it existed. (Photo/Wikipedia)

    the Andes mountains last May. The brave survivor “was spotted at the Sardina mountain shelter… at an altitude of nearly 15,000 feet in the Los Patos Sur valley.” Everyone was cheering that this modern-day superhero had managed to survive for so long despite the horrible weather and the (maybe) yetis roaming the area. What! You can’t empirically prove yetis do not exist. And true, they purportedly inhabit the Himalayas but whatever. Anyway, Gómez was “only dehydrated” and said “he survived feeding on sugar and raisins he had with him, as well as food stored in mountain shelters.” Yuck. Raisins? Good thing that wasn’t me, I would have jumped off a cliff before having to even smell a freakin’ raisin, Mother Nature’s mummified fruit. Still, what a brave man, this guy is conside- …wait. What? “Mountain shelters”? What does that mean? Does this mean he regularly had access to food? That’s weird, why didn’t he ask for help there? Well, he is still a hero for enduring such an adverse situation and never giving up. A role model, this guy.

Have a great week, kids.