2016 Spiritual Retreat Agenda
Location: Presidential Beach Residence at Chapadmalal, aka “Olivos on the beach.”
The Presidential Beach Residence is a gorgeous private estate that has acted as a source of consolation to many an Argentine president. Located in Chapadmalal – a mere 25km from what is widely acknowledged as the most beautiful coastal town on the planet, Mar Del Plata – it enjoys stunning views over the ocean, a private beach, various gardens, the pier that Menem built, a tennis courts and a large pool.
Attending: 22 Cabinet Ministers — Secretary General of the Presidency, Fernando de Andreis; Vice-President, Gabriela Michetti; Acting President of Chamber of Deputies, Emilio Monzó; Secretary of Interministerial Coordination, Mario Quintana.
Special guest: Buenos Aires Province Governor, Maria Eugenia Vidal
PROHIBITED: USE OF CELLULAR DEVICES.
This is a SPIRITUAL retreat, in which you commune with yourself and with the other cabinet ministers. No whatsapp, Facebook. No re-tweeting the retreat. We know you’re keen to publicize those human smiles you’ve been so avidly practising, but note that there will be carefully staged photo opportunities for this. Be patient!
Thursday 1 December
5pm: Arrive and settle-in.
Get changed into casual wear – preferably white, loose-fitting, breathable fibers. Optional (though strongly encouraged!): Dhotis
Jokes! Sushi and sashimi. As well as kale, lovingly hand-picked from Juliana Awada’s Michelle Obama-inspired orchard.
Special guest: Maria Eugenia Vidal.
Vidal is a successful politician and mother who has survived Peronism, numerous death threats and her own penchant for ponchos to rise to fame as the governor of Buenos Aires province. She will regale us with humorous anecdotes about her own cabinet retreat, conducted earlier this year. The jokes, the wine and the selfies. Who slept with who?
11pm: Retire to bed
*As we all know, owing to space limitations, some ministers will be required to share chalets. Therefore, after dinner we will convene and discuss who sleeps with who. We will begin by doing this via consensus and not be decree. But note that the President will not be bunking with anyone.
Friday 2 December
6am: Bikram Yoga with Macri. (Optional)
Bring a towel! Enjoy an intense 3-hour yoga session with President Macri in which you downward dog the pain away from 2016, leaving your body cleansed and prepped for 2017.
10am: Workshop “2016: Emergency and Transition”
In this unmissable workshop, we discuss the year that was. Full of hits and misses, but mainly hits, 2016 was a challenging but irrefutably successful year in which we cleaned up a big mess that wasn’t ours.
Points for discussion
- Candles versus electricity – benefits and disadvantages
- Tax Amnesty? Whose relative declared the most?
- What to do with CFK – adopting better strategies for incarceration
- Sergio Massa – friend or foe?
- Marketing or politics? Pathways to power
1pm: Team building exercise – “Two truths and a lie”
Note: Keep it light and funny. Do not self-incriminate. “I’ve lived in three cities,” is a great example of what you can say, whereas “I once gave a public building contract to a close relative,” is not appropriate.
3pm: Seminar “Building Resilience“
Host: Former President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner
2016 has been a difficult year, with many instances of undemocratic direct action by the argentine people. This hurts our feelings. But could it be that the answer is not to take offence, but to learn how to live with criticism? In this thrilling two hour seminar, former President Cristina Kirchner de Fernandez, will talk to us about how not to care about anyone else says and soldier on in the face of protests, public outrage and condemnation from the international community.
6pm: Ministerial Honesty Session
We lock the doors and you open your hearts. In this moving three hour honesty session, ministers will sit in a loving circle, eyes fixed on each other, as we go through – portfolio by portfolio – opportunities for improvement. This is based on trust and love. Don’t be mean to Aranguren.
10pm: Fancy Dress Party
Theme: One Night in Panama
Think white shirts, panama hats, rolex watches, and cigars!
Saturday 3 December
10am: Buddhism with Macri – “Dharma as a tool of self-awareness”
President Mauricio Macri is an avid buddhist who first discovered the power of dharma two years ago. Through the use of tibetan chimes and gongs, he has been able to look inside himself and “tap into areas of his brain” that he had hitherto not utilized or been aware of, like the part that enables you to use language and express emotion.
“Dharma helped me go from being a 6 to an 8!” – Macri –
2pm: Workshop, “2017 – The Greatest Year In Argentine History?”
2016 was tough, but 2017 is going to be awesome! The economy will grow, productivity will increase by 1500%, sovereign debt will shrink, Cristina will be incarcerated, inflation will drop to normal levels, the peso will morph into a polymer note all on its own, everyone will buy soy, windfarms will spring up across the Pampa, the people won’t complain so much, the whole world will agree to buy lemons from only Argentina.