It’s the weekend again!

And I was planning to begin my grand return to the roundup scene with “I’m back, bitches!” then I realized how extremely annoying and douchey that is.

But yes. After some very well-deserved vacation I have returned to Buenos Aires. And while in the past few days I tried to stay away from the never-ending news cycle, I am embarrassed to admit that I failed. Miserably. Because no matter how hard you try, if suddenly the news break that Vice-President Amado Boudou’s home address in an expired DNI turned out to be a sand dune, that stuff is pretty hard to ignore.

But now that I’m back, let’s focus on everything that happened this week, otherwise this roundup will be twenty pages long, and I know how you kids are when it comes to long reads. Blame it on your Nintendos, and ADDs and whatever it is you choose as a scapegoat these days for applying the #tl;dr philosophy to everything.

This is what you need to know:

 

  • President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner addressed the Argentine people on Cadena Nacional for the 20th time this year and while she made a series of important announcements, it was the unveiling of what will be the tallest building in Latin America that stole all the attention. In case you haven’t seen it yet, you should know that the world seems to agree: it totally looks like a skate ramp. And by “the world” I mean Gizmodo and skateboarding legend Tony Hawk.

 

 

  • In less important news, Argentina seems to be leading a global scale revolution against the predatory, evil, scheming and probably soulless vulture funds. And Cristina made sure that everyone knew about it during her announcement. In short, the UN Assembly General voted in favor of a resolution that supports creating a legal framework that would help deal countries with the restructuring of heir foreign sovereign debt. As Jo Biden would say, “it’s a big fucking deal.” Several countries (can you imagine which ones?) voted in favor of such a resolution arguing that such framework would bring “more uncertainty” to the markets, not less. And one more thing: while this is certainly good news and it shows that the less powerful countries are sick of being exploited by amoral loan sharks, you people need to stop celebrating whatever the UN supports as if your boss had agreed to give you a raise. The international system is anarchic, people. There is no “world government” or supreme organization with the legal power to force a nation to do something it doesn’t want to do. True, some claim that we’re headed to this “new world order” in which one all-mighty dictatorship will rule us all, but to be honest those who say that also claim that Obama, the Queen of England and Cristina are lizard people that have come to Earth to enslave us. What I’m trying to say with this is that voting in favor or a resolution is symbolic and not legally binding. So is it important? Yes, because it shows where most people stand when it comes to the vulture funds. But is it going to change anything? We still have to see.

 

  • Was that too long of a post? Did it make your head hurt? I’m sorry. Here is a funny vine featuring a crazy goat. It will make it all better.

 

 

  • The fake outrage story of the week goes to us, the media, for reporting something that wasn’t exactly true just for shits and giggles to piss you guys off. Turns out that on Teacher’s Day (September 11th) the Buenos Aires province announced that primary school students between 4th and 6th grade would no longer be graded with the lowest possible marks (1, 2 and 3, known in Spanish as aplazos.) The logic behind this decision was that those grades made the students feel sad, alienated and made them feel worse about their performance in school. So now instead of getting a 1, a student who completely failed a class would get a 4. They would still fail, but symbolically, a 4 would not sound as horrible and lonely as a 1. After all, one is the loneliest number. Holy shit, I just remembered this totally awesome song by Filter from the late 90s called “One.” Remember that song? It was from The X-Files:Fight the Future soundtrack.

 

 

  • But yeah, going back to the whole aplazos thing, while there were other controversial changes that deserved the population’s attention (mainly, how this would influence the student’s final grade that will decide whether it has failed the class or not at the end of the year) it was that story that exploded everywhere because people thought that no student would ever fail an exam and hence increase the decay of the Argentine education system.

 

  • Also in politics (last one, I promise): look who showed up! You may not know this but besides having a First Daughter, the presidential family also has a First Son: Máximo, who is a lot more elusive than his sister. While pulling the strings of the Kirchnerite youth organization La Cámpora, Máximo has traditionally maintained a low profile and left the militants take the spotlight. But not anymore, it seems. Yesterday, during a La Cámpora rally, he decided it was time to take the podium and get the media coverage he deserved.

 

 

  • You didn’t click on that, didn’t you? That’s OK. In his speech he basically channels his dad, yells a lot, victimizes himself and criticizes everything and everyone that does not abide by the Kirchnerite dogma. So basically, nothing new. However, it is interesting to see whether this is an attempt to introduce Argentines to the wondrous world of Máximo Kirchner, who many considered he could be the heir to the Kirchnerite movement.

 

  • Are you anxiously awaiting the release of the new iPhone 6 Plus? Are you? ARE YOU? Then you better get ready to sell one of your organs, because someone in Argentina has already put it up for sale on Mercado Libre and it’s not pretty.

 

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  • Diego Maradona got into a drunken altercation in Croatia after someone dared mention the name of his former son-in-law, Sergio “Kun” Aguero. Nothing you’ve never seen before, to be honest. And if you indeed get to see anything, you’ll see it’s just Maradona mumbling “concha de tu madre” while trying to punch someone and a lot of blurry stuff.

 

 

  • Last but not least, there was a boxing match last night that apparently was a big deal. I don’t know, I had more exciting things to do on a Saturday night, but apparently Chino Maidana (that’s the Argentine guy) lost to another guy from the US. Also it seems this was a sequel? To a previous fight? I don’t know. I don’t care. You know how I feel about organized sports. All I know is that Maidana bit Floyd Mayweather’s ear. That’s all you need to know.

 

Happy weekend, kids.