It’s Friday again!

And what a week to be alive! I don’t know what excited me the most, Pope Francis meeting with Kim Davis or President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner going after the US for like the millionth time this week. It’s election time, kids! And nothing says Vote Peronism!” like a good old feud with Uncle Sam to fire up the base.

  • I can’t remember when it was the last time we had a fight with the United States, but let me tell you, we’ve had quite a few. And judging by the local government’s reaction, it always looks like there’s more to the story than the Kirchner administration is telling us. Like they are hating each other and doing nasty stuff to each other all the time in front of us for reasons we don’t really know. It’s like when a couple, let’s call them Robert and Linda, starts having a passive aggressive discussion in front of you and you can tell there’s some bad blood between them, you just don’t know why. “Let’s just say that Robert has an appreciation for younger women,” she tells everyone at a house party. And Robert is like: “Linda, don’t make a scene please.” And you can’t help but wonder: Has Robert been cheating on her? Did Linda catch Robert ogling their teenage neighbor? Or maybe Robert is being a dick and is harboring a spymaster even though Linda really wants to interrogate him to find out what he knows about Alberto Nisman’s death. And this is what has been happening this week. A few days ago Cristina addressed the United Nations General Assembly and accused the United States of protecting former SIDE leader Antonio Stiuso, a man many of you probably remember from last January since he was the one passing intelligence to Nisman before he was found dead. According to Cristina, Stiuso is hiding in the US, and she is very interested in knowing his migratory status. Is he a tourist? Is he a refugee? Has he sought out political asylum? And what’s worse, did the US comply with his request? All these questions remain unanswered since the US has so far refused to disclose any information about where Stiuso is or why he’s there. The Foreign Ministry has already summoned US ambassador in Buenos Aires Noah Mamet and demanded an explanation but that didn’t really accomplish much. Things have gotten so bad that Cabinet Chief Aníbal Fernández, known for his hyperbolic language, said that this be reaaaaaaaally bad for the bilateral relations. Although to be fair he later said this is all speculation, since it hasn’t been confirmed that the US is officially protecting Stiuso.
  • While in the US, Cristina had a rare sit down interview with a local media network, something that hadn’t happened in two years, since the 2013 midterms. And the reason she accepted was that the network behind the interview was C5N, which is owned by the ultra-Kirchnerite and gambling tycoon Cristobal López. The interview, conducted by Gustavo “Gato” Sylvestre, included mostly softball questions such as “Why are you so pretty and smart?” OK, no, I made that up. But the questions sounded like they had been written by her. Because remember: according to Cristina, being a good journalist means agreeing with everything she says.

  • Did you pay special attention to the final questions, when Sylvestre is obviously trying to make her cry by bringing up her late husband Néstor? Cheap shot, my friend. I get that you need the sympathy vote and all that, but cheap shot nonetheless.
  • In case you’re wondering: yes. Of course there was a Cadena Nacional this week. But, contrary to what you think, it wasn’t all that bad. Turns out this week we saw Cristina speaking from her desk, relaxed, happy and overflowing with pride after she announced the successful launch of the ARSAT-2 geostationary satellite. “The future has arrived,” she said. And while I believe that the future will only have arrived once Mattel mass-produces the hoverboards from Back to the Future II, I must admit that the ARSAT-2 is a good reason to celebrate.
  • Now we go from the future to the Dark Ages, because it turns out that Pope Francis, our “progressive,” “kind” and “cool” spiritual leader may have totally destroyed his reputation after word got out that he had met in secret with homophobic loon and religious martyr Kim Davis. Sorry, guys! But in case you forgot, the Pope does not approve of sodomy and marriage equality. Can he still be cool after that? Well, that’s up to you to decide. To me he was never cool.
  • You know who’s also not cool? The future leader of the “leftist and progressive” (LOL!) Kirchnerite movement, Daniel Scioli. This week he let all of us know why he hates marijuana and abortion. Because remember: a right-wing Peronist is just a left-wing Peronist who is being ill-advised.
  • Yes, that is also news. Shut up.

Happy weekend, kids.