It’s Friday again!
Another week goes by, and so much stuff is happening in Argentina that it’s hard to keep up with everything. All I know is that between the Vulture Funds case, the accusations of scandal against the Vice-President and the World Cup, this is probably the most eventful month of the year.
So first things first. This is what you need to know:
- Thing are looking reaaaaaaaaaally bad for Vice-President Amado Boudou. And if you think your job sucks, remember that on Friday evening, an hour before midnight, every journalist in the country started getting text messages, tweets and phone calls, all of them saying the same thing: VICE-PRESIDENT AMADO BOUDOU INDICTED ON BRIBERY CHARGES. Which is like, the worst thing that could happen to you on a Friday night. So what happens now? Well, this means that the judge investigating the case believes there is enough evidence to think the VP really screwed up while he was Economy Minister back in 2010. What happens now? He goes to trial. Historic first, since no Vice-President in the history of Argentina has even been taken to trial on corruption charges.
- Remember the vulture funds case? Sorry, I ask. It’s just that the World Cup has been keeping us busy so if you don’t remember, that’s OK. Anyway, the war between Argentina and the vultures continues. This week, Argentina decided to pay the bondholders who had accepted to take part in the previous debt restructurings before the June 30th deadline, but District Judge Thomas Griesa said “no,” called the payment illegal and ordered the bank to return the money. Because as Griesa says, Argentina can’t pay the bondholders before reaching an agreement and paying the vulture funds they money they are asking for.
- Things got weird this week at the Mc Donald’s in the Alto Palermo Mall after according to witnesses, several private security guards and a Federal Police officer were attacked by a bunch of thugs who were trying to rescue one of their own that had been detained a few minutes before for engaging in “suspicious activities” in the area, whatever that means. So the thugs decided to carry out an extraction because, no man left behind and all that. Surgical extraction? I don’t think so. More like guns blazing, glass shattering and ass kicking. The Argentine way.
- Fact: if you are into spray painting and are caught spray painting a subway cart with spray paint, chances are you will be punished with cleaning said spray paint and someone else’s spray paint for 25 hours with your bare hands. Either that or you go to prison. At least that’s what happened to these three guys who sneaked into the Varela station in the E line and were caught vandalizing the cars. Well, that’s a shame.
- During the World Cup match between Chile and Brazil, Google decided to go with a fun-looking Google Doodle that celebrated both countries and bla bla bla, you know how it is. Here it is, in all its Google glory.
- Cute, isn’t it? But wait… WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! If you look closely, you will see that the bottom part of the continent is all red, which means in theory it belongs to Chile, right? No. Wrong. Contrary to Google’s geography lessons, half of that bottom part is Tierra del Fuego, an Argentine province. Yes, that’s where Ushuaia is located. The result? So much outrage that Google had to publicly apologize.
Lamentamos el error. El Doodle fue corregido tan pronto nos dimos cuenta de la equivocación. Agradecemos el feedback de nuestros usuarios.
— Google Argentina (@googleargentina) June 28, 2014
- In the end they corrected the mistake, but by then everyone had moved on to another, more interesting thing to yell at.
- Finally! After centuries of being deprived of a respectable DNI, we locals are finally getting the identity card we deserve. And it’s incredibly cool, because it is just like the one we had before only this one will include a chip that now, besides including all our information (name, date of birth, medical history,) it will also work as a SUBE card! Isn’t that awesome? This means that now not only the Government will have all your information in one place, it will also be able to track your every move. Oh, but don’t worry, it’s the good kind of spying. Remember that there’s two kinds of espionage: the evil one (the United States, the NSA, the FBI, the CIA, Google, Apple, Facebook, Mauricio Macri) and the good one (the local Government) because just like they always say, they only want what’s best for us. How could that be false? Oh, also Russia’s intelligence-gathering activities seem to qualify as “good espionage” but don’t worry, that’s mostly because they are at odds with the US. In fact they violate privacy just like the rest of us. Sure, they wave the flag of Edward Snowden to prove they are nice, but that’s just as cynical as me wearing the official t-shirt of the national football team as indisputable proof that I love the World Cup.
- Oh, and no need to worry, if you recently renewed your DNI you don’t need to get this one with the chip on it. Although chances are that if you’re one of those people who stand in line for 10 days outside an Apple store to be the first to get the new iPhone, you will also be anxiously standing guard outside the Interior Ministry to be one of the first users to get the new futuristic ID card. After all, Apple already spies on us and we don’t really give a shit about that.
- And speaking of gay people being ostracized, discriminated and humiliated in Russia, Vladimir Putin is coming for a visit! That’s right, the Russian president will be meeting with President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner next month since he’s coming to Brazil for a BRICS summit. And Mr. Putin is happy to come to Argentina, a stronghold of human rights, although it’s not human rights he’s interested in. No, turns out he considers Argentina an important partner in the region, because of trade and our cooperation in the military technology department. Also because this is a huge middle finger to the United States, who doesn’t like it when Russia comes to play in its backyard. You know how it is: you can’t spell “the eighties are back” without “cold war”. Well, actually you can but you know what I mean.
- Poverty is awesome! At least according to the La Campora boys, who are introducing a bill in Congress to declare October 7 the Day of the Valores Villeros. Something like a day to celebrate the values of the people who live in the villas. If you’re wondering what those values are, well first you’re an asshole, you should know. And second, they are “solidarity, optimism, generosity, hope, humility and an appreciative sense of community.” All values that, while commonly considered universal, you obviously lose as soon as your selfish mind decides to climb the social ladder and enter that desolate wasteland known as “the middle class,” amirite? So, leaving their demagoguery and stupidity behind, here is what this administration is doing to help poor people: since they can’t get them out of poverty, they will just say being poor is great. And the reason why that works is because when you urge the government to help people out of poverty, the blind follower’s predictable response is that: A) You don’t understand poverty, B) You’re attacking their way of life, and C) Who are you to tell poor people what’s good for them? So there. Shut up and support this bill.
- Regarding the World Cup and stuff, things changed drastically this week after the match between Argentina and Nigeria. Because we may have won the match, but Ezequiel Lavezzi won our hearts. If you’re wondering who that is, that’s OK. Pretty much everyone who is not into football was wondering the same thing. But in short, he’s the guy who squirted coach Alejandro Sabella with his water bottle while he was telling him what to do in the middle of the game.
- You see, Lavezzi is the jester of the team. He’s the built guy full of tattoos who despite his rough good looks behaves like a mischievous kid. And that was enough for every woman in the country to find him adorable. In just a matter of minutes after the incident, his last name skyrocketed to the number one trending topic on Twitter. Women of all ages were googling and wiki’ing him, while men of all ages tried to repress their homoerotic fantasies with him and talked about “bitches” and cars. Our Facebook feeds were inundated with photos of him in his underwear. And at least we all found hope again after seeing a photo of him from a few years ago when he was just a chubby kid like all of us. Sure, you need a lot of money but WHATEVER, you guys. We’re just jealous.
- They created a Facebook page in which hundreds of thousands of people asked for him to play the next match with no t-shirt. And jokes saying things like “Let’s bang against the wardrobe until we reach Narnia.”
- Even his fellow players and male staffers are fawning over him, teasing that they get to see his bare chest 24 hours a day.
- All this sudden lusty obsession with poor Lavezzi (he’s got a girlfriend, by the way) led to an unlikely, unprecedented outcome: the common man suddenly rose against the objectification of the male body.
- So… Messi? Fuck Messi. He’s the boy next door and Argentina doesn’t like a nice good boyfriend. It’s boring and predictable. In line with local histeria, Argentina likes a man-child, an Ashton Kutcher-like character from a Seth Rogen film that can eventually be turned into the father of its children. Argentina likes a challenge. An impossible mission. And it’s not going to stop until he finally understands that Argentina likes to be treated to dinner and a movie from time to time. Messi already understands that but, like I said before, there’s no fun in that. And anyone who’s dated anyone in this country knows that.
Enjoy the weekend, kids.
(Featured photo via Wikipedia)