It’s Friday again!
Oh, I’m sorry. Does the photo above offend you? Because if it does, you may need to move to a more prudish country since this is the new normal, you guys.
Porn. Porn everywhere. Porn everyone. Porn everything. Television? We can porn that. Magazine stands? We can porn that. The University of Buenos Aires? Yes. After this week, we can porn that.
Feeling warmer already? Thought so. So on this cold, winter day, try immuring yourself at home, grabbing a hot cup of coffee and reading on.
This is what you need to know.
- By now it’s pretty clear that we get a new Cadena Nacional every week. And it will probably be that way until the October presidential elections. Last Tuesday, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner´s message was about education, laptops and telling politicians that the world is changing fast and Greece is in a lot of trouble (trouble that we already went through 14 years ago, FYI.) Because hipster Argentina also went through economic crises before it was cool.
- It’s a Super Sunday this weekend! Or a lame Sunday, depending on how you feel about politics. Not only Porteños are heading to the polls in two days to choose their next mayor, but a total of 6 million people around the country are expected to vote. Córdoba and La Rioja are holding gubernatorial elections, while the people of Corrientes will be voting in their legislative elections. La Pampa, a province you probably never visited, is also having its primaries this weekend. So stay away from the television.
- Oh yeah, remember the veda electoral is enforced on Saturday evening, which means no bars, no nightclubs, no alcohol, no fun. Anywhere. Sowwy.
- Is the Economy Minister position cursed? Quite possibly, according to a quick google search that I made on Chrome. But seriously, from Domingo Cavallo to Amado Boudou, let’s just say that those guys are not going down in history as the greatest statesmen of all time. So far, while controversial, beloved Marxist and dreamy-eyed Economy Minister Axel Kicillof had managed to stay away from trouble. Until this week. Because a prosecutor is going after him and accusing him of embezzlement. Kicillof, however, is suing him back for slander and placed the blame on Buenos Aires Mayor Mauricio Macri and Grupo Clarín, his two nemeses.
- No, you guys. If you’re waiting for me to get to the porn part, that’s below. Bear with me for a second.
- Farewell, little guy! We hardly knew ye. After almost two years at the helm of the army, controversial Lieutenant General César Milani called it quits and attended his own retirement ceremony where he choked up while thanking his family for their unwavering support. According to him, he tried to do his best to help rebuild the military’s morale. Unfortunately, that whole “he may have been involved in the forced disappearance of people during the ’70s” thing got in the way too much. And let’s not forget that it’s an election year. So when you gotta go, you gotta go.
- Argentina and the UK are at it again. After a few months of not mentioning the Malvinas kerfuffle, we’re now dealing with a new crisis after Federal Judge Lilian Herraez from Tierra del Fuego ordered the seizure of assets belonging to oil drilling companies operating in the disputed area, amounting to US$156 million, along with boats and other stuff. The United Kingdom (spoiler alert) called the ruling “an unlawful assertion of jurisdiction over the [Malvinas] islands’ continental shelf.” Shocker.
- But you know what they say: when God closes a door, he opens a window (?). Very soon, the smell of delicious Argentine beef may be invading the living rooms of many American homes now that it looks like Argentina will be able to export beef to the US again (after 14 years of being blacklisted… thanks Obama.) We will not be satisfied until every McDonalds in the United States offers a choripán with your happy meal.
- No. Still no porn. Keep reading.
- Oh, no he didn’t! Do you know who Carlos Menem is? Probably not. And if you do know, you probably try to forget him every day. Let’s just say he was the President of Argentina from 1989 to 1999. He was our Clinton, only with disastrous consequences. And he was also a Peronist, which is something Peronism tries to not mention, because… you know. Disastrous consequences. Current presidential hopeful Daniel Scioli — a Kirchnerite (allegedly) — launched his political career in the ’90s as a Menem protege, so you could say he is a child of Menemism. This is an inconvenient truth for Cristina and her acolytes, who have over and over again warned that voting against their party is voting for a return to the ’90s debacle. So whenever someone mentions this, they just look the other way and pretend their phones have no reception so they need to go outside to take a call. Until this week, when Scioli mentioned the former president in a campaign rally and said he was “very fond” of him. Which is pretty much like having Luke Skywalker say in public that he was very fond of his father, Darth Vader.
- Oh, and speaking of which… As candidates grow more and more desperate for attention (and votes), here are a couple of campaign ads that went viral this week. Enjoy.
- OK, fine. You wanted to talk porn, so let’s talk porn. The entire country, and quite possibly your grandparents, are up in arms after social media lost its collective shit on Wednesday evening with hundreds of photos of people having sex (as in “fucking”) in the hallways of the School of Social Sciences of the University of Buenos Aires. Oh, and not just photos, videos too! Like, here’s a woman inserting a microphone in another woman’s vagina.
- You know you’re probably not that mainstream when students present at the scene make statements like, “Seriously, what is this supposed to be?” or, “This really has no explanation.” Not even the bros were seemingly aroused. Some poor student — let´s call him Timmy — was sad because someone had apparently ejaculated on his little desk.
- But…! But…! Most students overwhelmingly applauded the performance, analyzing it from an intellectual, artistic point of view. *Cough*
- So if you’re wondering how this came to pass, let’s just say that it’s like a flash mob, only that instead of having pillow fights, people fuck in front of you. It’s an art movement called PosPorno (or Post-Porn) born in Spain that questions traditional porn and other things.
- See? So the whole thing was organized by the school’s area of Communication, Gender and Sexuality, who hired this group so they could put on their performance. And if you are angered by this, then you run the risk of being considered a paleo conservative douche who hates women. Oh, and the school said that “They were sorry if anyone was offended.” In other words: sorry not sorry. Move along.
- And now we go from explicit sex to just dumb sex, because the scandal involving “actress” Vicky Xipolitakis and two pilots from Aerolíneas Argentinas is far from over. First, Vicky may sue the two men for sexual harassment. I’m not sure how that would work, but she (and her lawyer) seem to think so. And then things just went from bad to worse when Vicky’s sister Stefanía said on live television that the pilots allegedly intended to open a bottle of champagne while they were still in the cockpit with her. Literally the plot of a bad porno. Now I know what Pos Porno was protesting.
- Argentina has the fattest men in South America. Sorry, guys.
- Last but not least, there’s a very important football game tomorrow between Argentina and Chile. Copa America or something. So if you hear screaming and crying and explosions and cars burning and windows crashing, don’t worry. It’s just Argentina celebrating/protesting that they won/lost.
Enjoy the weekend, kids.