It’s Friday again!

And we’re one weekend away from the big PASO primaries, when we will finally have to go vote and pick whoever we hate the least. Get ready! The next three months are going to be frantic.

This is what you need to know.

  • No Cadena Nacional this week! “But how is this possible and/or acceptable?” you say. There must be a valid reason for interrupting such a long standing Argentine tradition! How are we supposed to learn about the many blessings we are to regularly receive from the National Government if our Commander-in-Chief isn’t there to guide us through this tormented reality we like call “post Capitalism world”? What are we to do? Trust the media? Ha! What if there is a hospital being opened somewhere and we’re missing that? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in such a terrifying world. Unfortunately, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner had to take a few days off after suffering from laryngitis, a fancy word that elitist doctors use to describe a really, really bad sore throat.
  • With the President out of play for a few days, presidential candidate and Kirchnerism heir Daniel Scioli took center stage this week and, bolstered by recent poll numbers, he went after the support of the ultra K’s, the most fervent followers of Cristina who are still not sold on the whole “Vote Scioli” idea. So in his efforts to look like a left-leaning candidate he promised the creation and restructuring of several ministries. He suggested upgrading the Human Rights Secretariat to Ministry status as well as using the Social Development Ministry “to project a Ministry of Popular Economy.” Whatever that means. By now the Spanish word “popular” has become ubiquitous among Kirchnerites, and its as powerful as whenever a Republican in the US uses the word “freedom.” You’re not really sure what it means anymore, but you know you need to cheer every time you hear it.
  • But alas! Blue-eyed boy wonder Axel Kicillof, who also happens to be Economy Minister, has been doing a less-than-stellar job in the last few days on the campaign trail. Axel caused a rucks this week while meeting the people (he’s running for Congress, remember) when he said that “rent regulation had to be changed” and suggested an additional tax for empty homes. He later had to take it back. In fact, La Nación claims that the Scioli camp is concerned after his several controversial statements. You can attribute his flip-flopping to the void caused by Cristina’s absence and they all better brace themselves because heads will certainly roll upon her return.
  • Boom. Since Scioli is still running the Buenos Aires province, he sent a bill to the provincial Legislature that will make it mandatory for marrying couples to take the #NiUnaMenos course, in an effort to raise awareness of women’s rights and stop gender violence in the entire province. The course will also be taught in schools. Eh. Not a bad idea, if you ask me.
  • The closer we get to the PASO elections, the weirder the political ads get. And since I know you absolutely love them, here are the latest additions to the best collection of Argentine political TV spots.
  • Mauricio Macri’s creepy, poorly-acted ad with little girl: I know you think I’m kidding, but I’m not. Someone needs to be fired over this ad. You could be Macri’s biggest fan in the whole world and still find it horrible. The staring, his voice, the little girl’s body language as she tries to pull away from a male adult that says “You’re so pretty…” and asks her “Do you like boys?” as he awkwardly hugs her. And it gets worse: the girl says she has to sell roses on the street and Macri offers to buy one. So the ad has been universally reviled on social media for allegedly echoing pedophilia and child labor. Seriously, fire someone.

  • Menem giving birth to Macri and Scioli: This is pretty simple. The MST party claims that both Macri and Scioli are both children of the neoliberal 90s. So in case you are having trouble wrapping your head around that concept, they decided to show former president Carlos Menem literally giving birth to both of them.

  • Ask around what this means. I literally can’t even right now:

  • STOP EVERYTHING! Oh my God, is escaped Mexican convict Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán in Argentina?! (No, obviously. But one fake call to 911 in the improbable city of La Rioja saying that one of the most wanted men in the world is actually there will help the local media get lots and lots of clicks.)
  • STOP EVERYTHING! Oh my God, is Hollywood superstar Leonardo DiCaprio in Argentina?! Yes, actually he is! Unlike El Chapo, the star of huge straight-to-VHS hits such as Critters 3 is in Ushuaia shooting a few scenes for The Revenant and the fans are going wild.
  • Were you in Buenos Aires last night around 9 PM? If you were, and you happened to be outside, you may have been freaked out by the fact that the sky suddenly went green and then this happened:

  • Now, I know this is the first thing that came to mind when you saw that:

  • Or – even worse – this:

  • (Why does it always have to be a huge first world capital that gets destroyed by Mother Nature? It’s always either Paris, or New York or London… It’s never Djibloho, in Equatorial Guinea. No. Alien Invasion! BOOM! Los Angeles. What do you have against us, Hollywood?)
  • But I digress. No, last night’s event wasn’t an alien invasion or the end of the world. As astronomers from all over the country pointed out today, it was simply a meteor, technically called a bolide. If you were hoping for a crater, chances are the bolide disintegrated as it entered our atmosphere. Of course, that didn’t stop pretty much everyone from freaking out on Twitter and creating lots and lots of memes.
  • River Plate (I hear that’s a football team) played the first leg of the Copa Libertadores final against Tigres (I hear that’s another football team). It was a tie, which means it was more boring than usual.

Happy weekend, kids!