Welcome to The Friday Roundup!
Yeah, that’s right. After careful consideration I decided to go with “The Friday Roundup” so stop rolling your eyes. According to The Bubble’s branding strategists it sounds similar enough to my former column, the Weekly News Roundup™, but not too similar so that The Argentina Independent will have enough grounds to sue me for copyright infringement. Yo, Indy guys! We’re cool, right? We’re cool? Haha. You crazy kids.
Oh, and you can also forget about that “It’s Friday again!™” crap. That’s also been trademarked.
So, yes. Your favorite weekly, comprehensive roundup of fucked up local and regional happenings is back. And I have to be honest with you, I originally did not feel like bringing it back. I mean, I founded an entire freaking website with the sole intention of having fresh, up-to-date content on a regular basis so you wouldn’t have to wait seven days to figure out if those soldiers marching down the street were part of a national holiday parade or a coup. The whole idea of The Bubble was to break with the dynamic of you checking the news on a once-a-week basis.
And yet, you kept asking for it. Emails, phone calls, tweets and even busting my balls on Instagram. “Nice photo of a cheeseburger, Adrian. Weekly News Roundup™ soon?“. Yes, that actually happened*! So after much consideration, I decided that maybe a short bullet point summary of whatever transpired in the last seven days was a good way of compiling our best articles and those stories that the unpaid interns didn’t get to write about. Also some people hate long readings and that’s OK**. So for those anti-intellectual haters out there, looking to easily sip knowledge through a straw while you watch the latest episode of Keeping Up With Kirchners, this is for you.
Just for this week I will mention the biggest stories that took place since I stopped writing last February, a time that will go down in history as “the Silent Period,” in which many wandered aimlessly through the streets, the result of being deprived of their much coveted information.
You are probably aware of all this but humor me, will you? This is what you needed to know in the last four months:
- Hugo Chávez died. Seriously, if you didn’t know this I have no idea how you landed here. Maybe you took a wrong turn while looking for information on Bubbles Yablonsky, a fictional, crime-solving “Polish-Lithuanian barbie doll” from the early 00’s. Or you were looking to watch that film about an Israeli-Palestine gay couple. Or you were wondering what was up with Bubbles, Michael Jackson’s chimp. I thought it died but apparently not. Whatever the case may be, leave this website at once.
- Pope Francis is Argentine: Again, I’m not a fan of the clergy but even the Sentinelese people celebrated this with a yellow/white piñata. And please stop calling him “Pope Francis the First”. There is no “Zero” Pope. Well, maybe Joseph Ratzinger could be considered a zero pope but you know what I mean.
- Argentine-born Princess Máxima of the Netherlands became Queen Máxima of the Netherlands: Don’t be so fast to celebrate though, she is as Argentine as I am North Korean. You can brag all you want about the existence of “an Argentine queen” but the truth is she doesn’t care. Also, I thought this country hated the monarchic system. Make up your mind, Argentina.
- No ‘Dancing With The Stars’ this year: I know, I’m still trying to cope with this myself. All those promises of tits and ass and more tits were false, and even though Marcelo Tinelli kept teasing about the return of Bailando por un Sueño by May, it turned out it was lies, all lies. Fortunately for us, we still have the chance to celebrate quality TV with the new sensation of the year, Celebrity Splash. It’s mostly about C list celebrities getting wet and complaining about how the audience can see through their wet clothes when they fall in the pool. There are also judges and a lot of bullshit analysis about how they fell to the pool. I know, it’s not as intellectual as Dancing With The Stars, but for now this will have to do.
- The “Dollar Blue” went through the roof: The exchange rate for the dollar in the black market got so high that it crossed the ten peso mark. The Financial Times saw a window of opportunity here and tried to make the “Messi dollar” a thing (Messi is number 10. Get it? Genius). Fortunately it didn’t. The dollar blue is still considerably high (around 8 pesos now) and the Government is making humongous efforts to bring it down even more.
- Economy Minister Hernán Lorenzino’s “I want to leave” became a thing: the world was pointing and laughing a few weeks ago when Economy Minister Hernán Lorenzino panicked in front of the cameras after a Greek journalist asked him about inflation in Argentina during a sit down interview. His desperate attempt to escape that crude reality in order to go back to the comfort of the alternate universe that is redacted and re-redacted every day by Kirchnerite folklore became an instant meme. Fortunately for the Government, his office is just for show, nothing more than a puppet role mastered by the man behind the curtain and the sexy sideburns, Axel Kicillof. You’re probably wondering if he was fired after such a lame performance and the answer is obviously no. In fact, Cristina humiliated him even more by introducing him to the audience during an official ceremony and assuring “he didn’t want to leave” the building.
- President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner launched a full-blown war against the judicial system: as we all learned in school, the most important thing about a democracy is
the balance of powerbeing able to control everything as you wish. That’s why Cristina, frustrated with judges and courts ruling against her altruistic attempts to pass the kind of legislation she wanted, decided that whenever a judge rules against the National Government it’s because it’s defending the corporate world. So in order to fulfill her visionary plan of a better future she decided it was time to redefine democracy and politicize the third branch of Government. Human Rights Watch has warned against this, but you shouldn’t listen to them because they are in cahoots with the Illuminati and the reptilians to take over the world.
- Dictator Jorge Rafael Videla died. The man responsible for one of the darkest periods in Argentine history died alone in a prison cell. It’s certainly not enough to heal the horrible damage that he caused to the Argentine psyche but knowing he is not around anymore makes the world a little better.
- The “K Money” exposé: This is, as of today, the political scandal of the year. Two months ago, Journalist and public enemy Jorge Lanata began a series of investigations that exposed an alleged network of corruption money, and probably money laundering involving former president Nestor Kirchner and his acolytes. It’s a complex case that not only has divided the population but also the press, with some believing it and some rejecting it as the fantasies of a mad man. So expect to see a lot of this case in my future roundups. I have a feeling it’s not gonna go away.
So congratulations, you’re officially up to date with the big news. Starting next week it’s back to business as usual.
“That’s all?” You’re probably saying right now. I know, disappointing right? But yes, that’s all. Like I said, we were playing catch up.
Enjoy the weekend, kids. I missed you.
* No it didn’t.
** That’s definitely not OK and that’s why we as a human race are going to hell. Because you hate reading.