After a few weeks without a Cadena Nacional, President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner finally returned to our televisions and radios with a speech that would make Wayne LaPierre‘s head explode.

Speaking from San Martín, in the Buenos Aires province, Cristina celebrated her administration disarmament policy as she officially opened the Arms National Registry’s National Bank of Controlled Materials, which is a fancy way of referring to the country’s largest gun, ammo and fireworks deposit. Apparently it can store up to 150,000 firearms. So now you know, in case of a zombie apocalypse, this where you have to go.

The President celebrated that this government “has destroyed more guns than any other government” and recalled that her disarmament policy was commended by the UN in 2013.

Now, if you’re a conservative reader from the US, you may want to skip to following paragraph unless you want to have a heart attack. You’ve been warned.

Cristina also said that in the next few months the Government will have destroyed 300,000 firearms (!) and urged Congress to pass legislation creating a national agency so firearm carry permits become “a national policy controlled by the national government”. (!!)

Oh yeah, and she also took a jab at the US, saying that the US Constitution lets people carry guns because, unlike in Argentina, carrying a gun over there is a cool thing.

Ha! Well that’s an interesting interpretation of the Second Amendment, but I’ll let it slide because I’m with her on this one. So next time you claim “Obama is coming for your guns” think about Cristina. You’ll realize you have no idea what you’re talking about.

So watch the Cadena below, and read some highlights later.

LOL. Who am I kidding, you totally didn’t watch that.

Fair enough, here’s what you really want.

  • After Argentina recently announced that it raised $1.4 billion in bond sale ($900 million more than expected) the government was ecstatic. Take that, vulture funds! So today Cristina said that the country “once again has access to global capital markets at a reasonable interest rate”. (Many said that 8.96 percent definitely isn’t reasonable at all, but what do I know).
  • “Our country will never honor international usury”, she said in reference to the evil vulture funds. “Fraud is not honorable. God forbids it (?), the Torah forbids it (??), the Koran forbids it (???). You can’t exploit human beings”.
  • And of course, she also attacked the Judiciary, especially after Chief Justice Ricardo Lorenzetti said today that drug trafficking and crime had certainly gotten worse in the country: “Those who hold a seat in the highest office of the judiciary should get better resources to do their work properly”.
  • Regarding guns: “When there’s a gun in the house, the family is at risk”.
  • “Argentines today eat a lot more sausages and ham”. I do not know what that means or why she said it.
  • Last but not least, she referred to the alleged global conspiracy smearing campaign concocted by the reptilians Illuminatti Freemasons vulture funds against her and her family and the accusations that her son, Máximo, holds several bank accounts abroad. “I was warned not to make a deal with the vultures on January 1st (after the RUFO clause expired). I told them I was not going to be blackmailed in detriment of the country’s best interests. They keep threatening that they will disclose information about (her personal) bank accounts and corporations. The last one (against her son) was an embarrassment. It’s all a smearing campaign organized by the vulture funds. And don’t think this is against the Argentine government, it’s against Argentina”.

So there. I just saved you half an hour of your life that you can now use to go watch the last episode of Veep.

You’re welcome.