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Unless you live under a rock (or went to Tigre for the long weekend) you have no excuse for not being up to speed on Beyonce’s moves to break the Internet. In honor of the Queen, here are The Bubble’s suggestions on how to slay Valentine’s Day no matter what your relationship status reads on Facebook.

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES (AND GENTS)

Twirl on Them Haters

For The Single Person Who Doesn’t Care

fabulous

Us single folk have two choices. Sit at home in your underwear and treat yourself to a Netflix and ice cream bender completely judgement free, or you can embrace it, saddle up with a single friend and twirl. The best Valentine’s Day date I ever had was spent with a single girl friend and a marathon night that started at Burger Joint, continued with a few pitchers of fernet at Esquina Libertad, meandered through some other bars in Palermo (a midnight happy hour at Antares, maybe?) and finished off the way every successful night out should: with a cafe con leche and a porción de napo from Kentucky. Bonus points if the night ends with a chori on the costanera while the sun comes up.

Sippin Cuervo with No Chaser

For The Single Person Who Is A Little Bitter About It

fuck single people

All your friends are adopting shelter puppies and getting engaged and you’re just sitting pretty struggling to nab a Netflix and chill on Tinder. Seriously, will someone eat tacos and watch movies with me? Pulperia Quilapan is hosting an anti-Valentine’s Day party, where couples are apparently not welcome. The Argentine-French bohemian hotspot will be offering a fixed buffet and drink menu. Sure to keep you from kissing anyone there will be mini choripans, garlic bread, and crunchy potato – interpret that how you will – with an open bar featuring beer, pinguinos and fernet. Sounds like a sloppy mess. See you there.

I Came to Slay

For The Single Person That’s Looking To Hook Up

twirl on them haters

If there is one night to try out your best chamuyo with no shame Valentine’s Day is the time. The key is picking a crowded bar where a mix of liquid courage and literal elbow rubbing forces you to spit out that dumb pick up line. You’d have to be trying real hard not to get hit on at La Puerta Roja or El Quetzal. NOLA is always crowded with people who like fried chicken and beer, which is my personal parameter for judging future marriage material. You can also extend the festivities back to Saturday night — it’s basically Valentine’s Day when you get out of your house — and hit a party. I can’t count a single friend that hasn’t made out with someone (no shade) at the Saturday night party Te Re Cumbió while grinding to some electrocumbia jams.

ALL THE COMMITTED LADIES (AND GENTS)

Take His Ass to Red Lobster

For The Couple Who Isn’t Sure If They Are Actually A Couple

Red Lobster

That what-is-this-exactly in-between stage couldn’t come at a more uncomfortable time of the year. You’ve rounded past the chongo / chonga phase but you aren’t quite calling each other bae yet. Going too fancy or too casual might send out the wrong signal, and you don’t want to scare someone off after a month of calculated emoji usage and whatsapp response times. Keep it neutral and go for some gourmet pizzas. And if your date isn’t into pizza then you know you need to push them straight back into hook-up territory. Siamo Nel Forno, 1893 and Piola are your best options for a solid pie without the very un-Valentine’s Day cheese sweats. Forno feels the fanciest of the bunch, with a pizza oven brought in especially from Italy and some tasty appetizers (get that burrata with proscuitto) and a good wine list. Both 1893 and Piola have similar vibes, dressed down but modern pizzerias with super thin crust pizzas and unusual toppings. Piola also boasts a dj and full bar if you’re looking to shake it in between (or during) slices.

Cornbread and Collard Greens

For The Couple On A Budget

collard greens

Just because you’re on a tight budget doesn’t mean you can’t eat in style. A nice brewery is a good choice. BlueDog offers a curated selection of beers on tap with upgraded bar food to share and promos that begin at 100 pesos. If you are in the mood for some ceviche but can’t shell out for the Palermo prices, La Conga is a completely unromantic, very loud and sweaty Once cantina that has some of the city’s best traditional Peruvian ceviche. Pain et Vin is a cute little cafe where you can enjoy a glass of wine and a sandwich on their in-house made sourdough bread — beware that they close at 7pm on Sundays so this would be a midday meal in between the rest of the days cheap activities.

Rock That Givenchy Dress

For The Couple That Takes V-Day Really Seriously

givenchy dress

This is your special day and we all know it. Not just because you told us all about it personally, but you tweeted #blessed, instagrammed an entire day of bike riding with your boo through the Sunday fairs to find a bookshelf to refurbish, and topped it off with a love proclamation on facebook. First, if that’s you, congratulations but please stop. Second, here’s some intimate spots for a romantic night out. For a classic Buenos Aires night, Cafe Rivas is the city’s cutest cafe notable looking eatery and boasts one of the best menus too. Porteño staples with a touch of French inspiration — try the mollejas appetizer before hitting that homemade ravioli — and a great wine list make this an ideal romantic dinner out. Similar ideas in a different setting, Ocho Once Maison du Chef is a closed door restaurant that fuses traditional Argentine dishes with French technique using ingredients sourced directly from owner Deiter Meier’s farms and vineyards. L’adesso is also a sound choice with a cute outdoor patio and some of the best Italian food in the city. The restaurant will be opening on Sunday with a special Valentine’s menu—they had me at fettucine and shrimp—boyfriends atentos, ladies love pasta.

Got Hot Sauce in Your Bag, Swag

For The Couple That Just Wants An Excuse to Eat and Get Drunk

hot sauce

You’re pretty much married (or actually are), and frankly, Valentine’s Day is just an excuse to spend a bit more, and explore something new. Since the special day falls on a Sunday, many restaurants will be closed but for a more lax couple that prioritizes food over sentiment, here are a few options to try throughout the weekend. For the really adventurous, Miyako is a bizarre Japanese experience in the middle of Flores. Located on the 6th floor, the large Japanese restaurant mostly specializes in sushi but offers udon and tempura dishes – and sake cocktails! Bierlife in San Telmo is a brewery where you eat and drink the beer. The bar features a large selection of national craft beers and fun dishes made with cerveza. Over in Retiro, Gran Bar Danzon has an awesome collection of wine, a sushi bar, and a separate menu with more locally inspired dishes – duck confit with a side of sashimi never felt so good!

Bill Gates in the Making

For The Couple with Money to Burn

bill gates

You saw it, you wanted it, you grinded til you owned it, these are for you big spenders. Way out on the Costanera, Morena is a restaurant located on a dock inside a yacht club whose old yuppie style is experiencing a major facelift. Check out the sunset over the water and do yourself a favor and order the pulpo a la parrilla. For something super elegant, the Club del Progreso is a social club that dates back to the 1850s in a mansion characteristic of the Congreso neighborhood. Grab a table upstairs as opposed to the outdoor patio to sit in a dining hall that looks like it’s been ripped straight out of Downton Abbey — ten foot tall tapestries, silver platters, and marble fire places. For those close to the border of Zona Norte, I covered the San Isidro restaurant Alo’s earlier this year and it is worth the pilgrimage to La Horqueta. Fresh, mostly local ingredients make up this delicious modern menu — take a seat at the bar that overlooks the open kitchen to see all the action.