Man, oh man. Last night’s bloody debacle is hard to put into words. Fortunately we have a lot of memes, courtesy of The Simpsons. So let’s get to it, shall we?
Libertadores Cup Quarter-Finals, September 21
Two Argentine teams were in action last night, and what a night it was for local football, with River and Lanus proceeding to the semis where they will come face to face with each other on October 22.
At the same time, San Lorenzo’s elimination has ended up costing coach Diego Aguirre his job, and he stood down this morning, ouch poor guy.
River 8-0 Wilstermann (8-3, aggregate score)
Yep, that’s not a typo, that was the genuine result. River, who were easily swept aside 3-0 in Bolivia by Wilstermann, resurrected with a vengeance worthy of Mortal Kombat last night. It was likely that River would win in Argentina against the Bolivians, but even hardened River fans were nervous prior to the match, since all the Bolivian team needed to do was dig in and a place in the semi-final would be theirs. A goal for the Bolivians would mean that River would need to score five goals to proceed to the next round, a task that would be seemingly impossible. And yet…
What happened last night was nothing short of a war crime, it was painful to watch.
But the memes… the memes! They have been so, so spicy. Imagine, if you will, being locked in a bar watching the Mufasa death scene from the Lion King for 90 minutes on repeat. That’s what it felt like.
Minute 9: 1-0. River might actually go through
River got off to a flying start (and continued to fly throughout the whole 90 minutes.) In the 9th minute Ignacio Scocco opened the scoring with a master class in dribbling before coolly side stepping past Wilstermann goalie Olivares and slotting home.
Minute 14: 2-0. Let’s not get our hopes up yet, guys
Five minutes later… yup. Scocco again. Having picked up the ball in the penalty area following an overhit cross, he danced to just out the six yard box to smash home a shot, which Olivares makes contact with but not enough to prevent from entering the top corner.
Minute 19: 3-0. They’ve done it! All they need to be do is not be complacent
Scocco strikes for a third time in 20 minutes. A bit of a fluke, the veteran striker attempted to cross a low ball into the box which inadvertently ended up in the bottom corner of the Bolivians’ net.
Minute 36: 4-0. Wow. Just wow
Perez beats the offside trap and is able to chip the ball over Olivares.
Minute 46: 5-0. They’re safe and sound, guys
Scocco again, 30 seconds after the second-half starts. The 32-year-old caps a brilliant piece of passing football. This meme appears on social media:
Minute 53: 6-0. Okay guys, you can stop now
Ignacio Fernandez is the scorer this time. At this point the Bolivians have given up and Fernandez punishes them by converting a cross despite 6 defenders having been in the box.
Minute 58: 7-0. “Five goals, Scocco? Seriously?”
Scocco grabs his 5th goal, a total rarity. Olivares fails to adequately deal with a corner and gifts the ball to Scocco who pounds the ball into the roof of the net.
Minute 63: 8-0. “Please, stop! They’re already dead!“
Enzo Perez scores arguably the best goal of the night. An absolute peach. He picks up the ball in his own half and graciously slides past two Bolivian defenders before lifting the ball over Olivares to complete the rout.
Lanus 2-0 San Lorenzo, Lanus wins 4-3 on penalties (2-2, aggregate score).
Lanus needed a victory last night against San Lorenzo. Both sides have reputations of being dark horses, having both won the Argentine top flight in recent years.
San Lorenzo entered the match as favorites but that didn’t deter Lanus as the Nestor Diaz Perez. Within eleven minutes, Lanus were upfront, when Jose Sand was able to capitalize on sloppy marking. Five minutes later, Nicolas Pasquini was able to head home a cross from a seemingly impossible angle. With Navarro glued to the spot unable to do much, the ball glided into the net with relative easy.
Both sides created numerous chances in what was a tense game of football, recording a combined amount of 26 shots. San Lorenzo fans have a right to feel aggrieved when Cerutti was bought down in the Lanus box, in the 21st minute, by goalie Andrada, in what was a clear penalty. Paraguayan referee Enrique Caceres made the wrong call and instead booked Cerutti for simulation, this being the first of 7 yellow cards.
At 90 minutes, the aggregate score stood at 2-2 so the penalties began. It was Lanus who came out on top partly due to the heroics of Andrada who was able to save San Lorenzo’s second penalty from Caruzzo. Lanus on the other hand were able to convert all 4 of their penalties before a weak short by Blandi was easily saved by Andrada sending Lanus into the semis.