Clarín

The primary elections, AKA “PASO“, took place in the city of Buenos Aires yesterday.

True, there were also elections somewhere else, like Neuquén, but you couldn’t care less about that. Truth be told, you probably don’t care about the city either, but since you consider it more relevant than Neuquén you’re going to read about it anyway.

Yesterday, porteños voted to select who will represent each major party in the mayoral elections of July 5. After two terms as chief of government, Mauricio Macri is off to bigger and better things (he’s running for president later this year) so he needs to find a political heir in the district that saw his political career take off twelve years ago.

Last night, that heir was chosen. And mayor Mauricio Macri danced. He danced like nobody was watching, even though the entire country was totally watching.

I know, right?

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Before the reach what turned out to be the climax of the evening (seen above), let’s take a look at what happened before.


IT TOOK FOREVER FOR THE OFFICIAL RESULTS TO BE ANNOUNCED AND EVERYTHING PRETTY MUCH SUCKED

According to the electoral authorities, the official election results would be made available after 9 PM on the official PASO website. However, those suffering from deep anxiety and curious political wonks were treated to a terrifying experience last night: the website didn’t work.

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By 10:30 PM last night, the site was still showing an error message and everyone was starting to freak out. In fact, by 10 PM most major candidates had already declared victory or announced defeat based solely on exit poll numbers. By 11 PM, the City Government decided to launch a second site in order to alleviate the traffic overload. Eventually both sites started working, although by then everyone pretty much knew who had won.


HORACIO RODRIGUEZ LARRETA WILL LIKELY BE THE NEXT MAYOR OF BUENOS AIRES

True, the mayoral elections are still more than two months away, so who knows. But considering the impressive results that the PRO party obtained last night, it’s easy to predict that he will be Macri’s successor.

For those of you who do not know him, Rodríguez Larreta is Macri’s current Cabinet Chief and confidant. He was the big winner of the night with 28.41 percent of the votes. His PRO party opponent, former Deputy Mayor Gabriela Michetti, only got 18.93 percent, meaning that her dreams of being the first female mayor of Buenos Aires crashed and burned with her defeat.

In total, the PRO party got 47.35 percent of the votes last night, an impressive result that puts the center-right party really close to being supported by half of the city. Also, assuming that Michetti’s votes will go to Larreta in July, the party will be three points away from winning the mayoral elections in the first round.

Michetti was the first to offer a concession speech after some horrible singing (for some reason), congratulated Rodríguez Larreta and celebrated her party’s performance.

Then it was the winner’s turn to talk.

And finally, Mauricio Macri, who was totally stealing everyone’s thunder with his “I’m gonna be president” attitude and announcement that he has already picked a running mate but he’s not gonna say for now. And his awkward dancing.


MARTIN LOUSTEAU SUDDENLY BECAME A SERIOUS CONTENDER

“Who?”

That’s you. That’s how you sound right now.

Well, you may not know this, but long before Axel Kicillof and his revolutionary sideburns brought sexy back to the Economy Ministry, Cristina decided to appoint a hot, 37-year-old economist named Martín Lousteau to be her Economy Minister.

That was right after her inauguration in 2007, and before society became as polarized as a superclásico. While Lousteau said he tried his best, Cristina eventually fired him five months later because he refused to nod his head and shut up (actually it’s a little more complicated than that, but if I go into detail I run the risk of losing you for a cat video on BuzzFeed, so we’ll leave that story for another day). Here’s a photo from the good old days.

Infobae
Infobae

After “quitting”, Lousteau took some time away from politics, wrote a couple of books, had a torrid affair with a celebrity (like, for real) and eventually settled down. He then decided to run for mayor because, why the hell not. And he came up with ads like this in an effort to appeal to the younger voters.

In the end, his relatively new and unknown ECO party turned out to be the great surprise of the night after obtaining an impressive 22.27 percent of the vote and becoming the main opposition party in Buenos Aires. Lousteau managed to beat the other ECO pre-candidates with 17.83 percent of the votes.

This means that the former Economy minister is now confident that, with a little help, he could be making it to an election run off if Rodríguez Larreta fails to obtain 50 percent of the vote on July 5.


DELUSIONAL (SORE) LOSERS OF THE NIGHT: THE KIRCHNERITES

Ah, the Kirchnerites. You have to at least give them points for trying.

You see, Buenos Aires has traditionally voted against Peronism, therefore Kirchnerism does not perform well in any election here. They sucked in 2007, they sucked in 2011 and they sucked last night.

This election cycle, Cristina tapped Aerolíneas Argentinas CEO and golden boy Mariano Recalde to represent her party, the Victory Front, in the city. It was a monumental challenge, but if there’s something we’ve learned after almost eight years of President Cristina is that you don’t question her decisions, like ever. That means that if she wakes up one morning and decides she wants to appoint Darth Vader as Human Rights Minister, you nod your head, shut your mouth and get her breakfast in bed.

And while exit polls yesterday should have been cause for alarm, everything inside their campaign headquarters was just dandy! In fact, they kept repeating over and over that their party would eventually end up in second place after the PRO.

In the end, it didn’t matter that he name-dropped Cristina or that Kicillof was wearing a tight t-shirt. Finally, Recalde acknowledged that he had only obtained 12.29 percent of the votes.

Sure, he was still the most voted of the seven Victory Front candidates in the city but, in total, only 18.72 percent of porteños decided to give their vote to the Kirchnerites. Which is pretty tragic, considering that only four years ago the same party managed to score 27 percent of the votes.

That’s right, folks. Nine percent of the electorate decided to go some other way this time, maybe after realizing that Kirchnerism has no chance in the city. At least not in the foreseeable future.

In his…ahem…”victory” speech, Recalde insisted that he would go to a run off with Rodríguez Larreta and yelled a lot, which is totally passe.


REMEMBER SERGIO MASSA? NO? NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE

What just happened, Sergio Massa?

Back in 2013 we were all thinking Massa could manage to defeat Kirchnerism in the 2015 presidential elections. Now? We’re not so sure and things are definitely not looking up for the former Cabinet Chief.

He’s tanking in the polls, his former allies are jumping ship, and to make things worse, his party’s candidate in the City, economist Guillermo Nielsen, didn’t even qualify to run for mayor in July since he only got 0.9 percent of the popular vote (in order to qualify to must get at least 1.5 percent).

Just see for yourself. Do you even remember seeing this guy anywhere?

Exactly.

Nielsen turned out to be so irrelevant that his concession speech is not even on YouTube.

You know what is on YouTube though? Schadenfreude. A lot of it.

A long time ago, the Todo Noticias (TN) network seemed to be willing to help Massa. But that torrid love affair is finished, and now TN is totally over him and ready to date someone prettier. So to make sure that their message was well received, they did what any douchebag ex would do after a bad break up: they started trolling him.

Apparently poor Nielsen had prepared a parrilla with a lot of chorizos to celebrate. But as soon as it was clear that he was not even going to qualify to run, the professional trolling began:

“Nielsen doesn’t know if he has enough votes or enough fire for the chorizos”, TN’s official Twitter account tweeted.

Or even worse, when the reporter, broadcasting live from his campaign headquarters, looked at the chorizos, then looked at Nilsen and said: “With all due respect, you’ve got more chorizos than votes”. 

The twittersphere reacted accordingly: it was bullying. 


I’M BORED. WHO’S RUNNING FOR MAYOR ON JULY 5?

Only five pre-candidates managed to score more than 1.5 percent of the popular vote and qualify to the July mayoral election. Horacio Rodríguez Larreta (PRO), Martín Lousteau (ECO), Mariano Recalde (FPV), Myriam Bregman (FIT) and Luis Zamora (AL).

So remember, in two more months, people in the city must go back to the polls to elect their mayor. And if none of those five candidates manage to reach a 50 percent of the vote that day, then that means that the two most voted candidates must go to a second round in which voters will have to chose what’s more convenient for Buenos Aires, and by extension, the universe.


I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE MEMES AND I DON’T SEE ANY

Of course there are memes! And most of them involve mayor Mauricio Macri’s dancing.

Enjoy.