"This was a fantastic choice, Barbara." Photo via huffingtonpost.com

The internet has claimed victims all over the place, from print media to maps, blind dating to politely disagreeing with someone – the world-wide-web has killed off a lot, rendering them obsolete and confining them to the history books.

But weirdly, extremely weirdly, even the internet seemed unable to kill of one specific hangover from the ‘90s – pornographic cinemas. One of those places your uncle Nigel frequented to meet up with other dudes with moustaches and mullets because his horrible wife Susan buried his magazines deep in the forest.

Apparently this one's still open for y'all. Photo via lanacion.com.ar
Apparently this one’s still open for y’all. Photo via lanacion.com.ar

But finally, FINALLY, the time has come for Buenos Aires’ ABC porn cinema in Micocentro

However, it wasn’t the internet that led to its closure. It was the government.

Agents from Government Control and the Technology Crime Division carried out a late night operation, or at least that’s what they called it.

To their shock and horror, they found people having sex ‘WITHOUT RESTRICTIONS’ and pornographic screenings in the ‘independent theatre.’

There were several rooms with armchairs in them, along with more private rooms and so-called ‘dressing rooms’ too.

The entire place was littered with used condoms, leading the agents to conclude that the cinema didn’t meet all the relevant hygiene regulations. Guessing you probably wouldn’t want to try the popcorn there. You asked for sweet not salted, didn’t you?

There were also no evacuation plans – no, no, no, not like that.

We thought this kind of seediness was confined to small areas of Amsterdam, Prague and Bangkok, but apparently it’s a widespread practice – in the United States alone there were nearly a thousand during the 1970s, there’s even an operational one in the capital of sexual and emotional repression, London, and one in Paris ‘cause romance isn’t dead apparently.

Three other cinemas met the same fate as ABC in Buenos Aires in 2014 and were forced to close down – all of them for similar reasons; lack of hygiene, no fireproofing, the profanity, the vulgarity, the Acts Of Sodom happening in the basement, etc.

Presumably the fireproofing refers to the easy-to-clean wooden seats which tend to characterize such places. It’s hard to get the staff these days.

Some of the cinemas are trying to stage comebacks though, and that’s not a genre of film.

So unfortunately if you feel like consuming some good old fashioned porn in a vaguely public place, you now have one fewer to visit in Buenos Aires which might be a good thing because as an expert on sexuality, Ernesto Meccia, puts it, “those kind of places smell stale, you don’t feel comfortable.”