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[UPDATE: TERRIFYING BOA FOUND. TURNS OUT SHE NEVER LEFT HER HOME. SHE WAS HIDING IN A CLOSET. WHAT AN EXCITING ADVENTURE!]

You’d think that with the whole Nisman thing going on the media here would be pretty busy, right?

Wrong!

Because for the last 24 hours the entire country has come to a grinding halt after news broke that a boa constrictor, an antediluvian scaled monster known for squeezing its victims to their death, has been missing in Banfield since Sunday.

As the search for the- oh, of course. You have no idea where Banfield is. Well, here’s a link to Wikipedia so you can have some idea. And if you’re too lazy to click on that, just know that it’s 14 kilometers to the south of Downtown Buenos Aires, in the Greater Buenos Aires area.

Good to go? OK.

So as I was saying, the snake is 3.5 meters long and weights 30 kilos. Gastón the friendly boa was cohabiting peacefully with his human masters until recently, but he must have taken a wrong turn at some point because he went missing after being temporarily removed from his fish tank (snake tank?) so it could be cleaned. It was during that stressful time that Gastón possibly decided that it was time to kickstart his reign of reptile terror and bring the neighborhood to its silly human knees.

Happier Times: Gastón the friendly boa, before his unprecedented reign of terror began.
Happier Times: Gastón the friendly boa, before his unprecedented reign of terror began.

Fortunately the local media soon learned of these shocking events and decided to provide us with some real time account of the situation. Because as paranoia infected the block and, quite understandably, the entire nation, it was time for all of us to know what the hell was going on. So far the Army hasn’t been deployed and no curfew has been declared but we don’t know how this unprecedented crisis could end.

Here is what we know by now, according to television:

THE PEOPLE OF BANFIELD LIVED “A NIGHT OF TERROR”. CLEARLY AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

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THE ENTIRE NATION WAS ASKING: “WHERE IS GASTON?”

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PLOT TWIST! GASTON IS A GIRL. I REPEAT: GASTON IS A GIRL AND HER NAME IS MARGARITA.

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A CAT IS ALREADY REPORTED “MISSING”. HIDE YOUR PETS, WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

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SERIOUSLY. MANY NETWORKS ARE REPORTING THAT MARGARITA ALREADY ATE A CAT. YOURS COULD BE NEXT.

04

RUN, LITTLE FELLA. RUN.

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SIMPLE, YET EFFECTIVE: “WHERE IS THE BOA?!” MAYBE UP THAT TREE, MAYBE IN YOUR BED.

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BOA “EXPERT” ON LIVE TELEVISION: “HER BITE IS HARMLESS”. YOU CATCH HER THEN, SMARTASS.

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MARGARITA’S HUMAN OWNER: “MY BOYFRIEND MISSES HIS BOA”. INFINITE SADNESS.

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MARGARITA’S HUMAN OWNER: “IF I SEE HER, I GRAB HER”. BEST QUOTE IN THE HISTORY OF NETWORK TELEVISION.

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“THE BOA MANAGED TO OPEN THE DOOR AND LEAVE”. SWEET JESUS. JURASSIC PARK WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG.

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“DOGS ALREADY KNOW MARGARITA”. I DON’T… I MEAN… DOGS… WAIT. WHAT?
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SOME RELIEF: MARGARITA DOESN’T HYPNOTIZE HER VICTIMS. NO, SERIOUSLY. THAT HAPPENED FOR REAL.

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THEN SUDDENLY, A MIRACLE TAKES PLACE: THEY FOUND MARGARITA! TURNS OUT SHE HAD BEEN HIDING IN THE CLOSET ALL ALONG (HA!) AND WE WERE ALL LOCKED UP IN OUR PANIC ROOMS FOR NOTHING.

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BEST OF ALL: NO CAT WAS EATEN DURING THIS CRISIS.

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MARGARITA ATTENDS HER FIRST COTILLION BALL BEFORE THE CAMERAS.

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JUSTICE! MARGARITA ‘BEHIND BARS’

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The parody Twitter account @LaBoaDeBanfield was short-lived.

And the next time someone asks about how low journalism can sink to on a slow news day, just refer them to this. It should help them understand.