(Photo via Despertando la republica)
¡Salud, you guys! (Photo via Despertando la republica)

Happy Cristina day, everyone!

After much speculation about Cristina Fernández de Kirchner’s silence, the President is making a comeback today at 7 pm in an official ceremony at the Government House.

So what better way to welcome her in our lives than by getting a little tipsy while the sun is still up? Yes, I get that we may be getting ahead of ourselves because we don’t even know if she’s going to give a speech. Yes, I know that politics isn’t fun. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t get some beer, peanuts and roundup your friends for an early drinking game on a hot summer evening.

Since we’ve had our fair share of Cristina speeches, we feel we’re capable of coming up with some fun rules. And if for some reason she suddenly stops dropping her usual cliches on national television, then you can just go ahead and say we suck. That’s alright, we won’t be mad.

To be honest, these rules can be applied every time Cristina gives a speech, so if she keeps quiet today you can use them some other day.


THE CRISTINA COMEBACK DRINKING GAME

 

DRINK ONCE WHENEVER: 

  • She begins reviewing the Government’s greatest hits, as she always does whenever her administration is in trouble and in hopes that you’ll go: “Oh, that’s right. She did support marriage equality. Eh, I guess she’s not that bad.
  • She criticizes Clarín, TN or any other media outlet owned by Grupo Clarín.
  • She criticizes those who criticized her silence, no matter who they are.
  • She criticizes journalism in general (if it’s Clarín she’s criticizing, drink twice.)
  • She refers to the global economic crisis as a “crumbling world.”
  • She mentions Pope Francis.
  • She criticizes City Mayor Mauricio Macri or the PRO party.
  • She criticizes the United States without actually saying “the United States.”
  • She mentions the year 2003.
  • She uses irony/sarcasm to criticize her opponents.
  • She praises her administration and her statement is followed by an overreacting audience.
  • She mentions the “blue dollar.”
  • She mentions the word “monopolio.”

 

DRINK TWICE WHENEVER:

 

  • She quotes Perón or Evita.
  • She mentions the dictatorship.
  • She refers to her late husband Néstor Kirchner as “him.”
  • The audience begins singing “acá tenés los pibes para la liberación.
  • She refers to any other South American country as “patria hermana” or “país hermano.
  • She says “First they wanted me to stop talking, now that I’ve gone silent they want me to talk. Make up your mind!
  • She mentions the World Cup or the “Fútbol para todos” government program.
  • She mentions the Malvinas/Falklands.
  • She mentions the English expressions software, too much, win-to-win, know-how or touch-and-go (pronunciation not important.)

 

DRINK THREE TIMES WHENEVER:

 

  • She criticizes Uruguayan president José Mujica.
  • She starts dancing.
  • She addresses some of the corruption accusations against Government officials directly.

 

DRINK FOUR TIMES WHENEVER:

 

  • She admits inflation is higher than the Government says it is (don’t worry, it will never happen).
  • She admits the CEDIN initiative was a fiasco (don’t worry, it will never happen).
  • She admits the Fútbol para todos was a total waste of tax payers’ money (don’t worry, it will never happen).
  • She admits she loves to troll people on Twitter (it may happen).

 

DRINK ENTIRE BOTTLE IF:

 

  • She announces her resignation from office. Seriously, drink that. You’ll want to be drunk for what’s coming next.

 

COROLLARY (WARNING: HATERS ONLY)

 

Mayor Mauricio Macri says "Chug! Chug! Chug!"
Mayor Mauricio Macri says “Chug! Chug! Chug!”

Since we know that many of you love to cast a fatwa on us whenever we criticize the National Government, we decided to create a drinking game exclusively for you. That’s right, you should be proud. Here are the rules:

Drink once if after reading the rules above you are going to leave a message that says:

  • “I can’t believe how right wing this website has become” (remember that criticizing this Government equals fascism.)
  • Is Clarín paying you guys to write this shit?
  • I know you think you’re funny but you’re not.
  • It’s very easy to criticize in a different language when the local population doesn’t understand. You sound like cowards.

 

Drink twice if after reading this corollary you are going to leave a message that says:

  • That’s funny. But even if you try to make fun of the people who comment, you are still a bunch of fascists.
  • I’m never coming back to this website.

 

Drink three times if after reading the corollary you are going to leave a message in Spanish like “Si tanto les molesta este gobierno por qué no se van a la mierda?” because you think that using Spanish to criticize us is going to hurt us and offend us more. You know, in a “Take that!” kind of way. Well, the truth is we really don’t care.

Have fun tonight!

(Cristina’s photo via Despertando la república)