Welcome back to the only corner of the Internet where you will learn to conduct yourself in society and not look like an idiot. I’ve missed you, did you know that? So much, in fact, that I’ve realized something. Rather than wait for you to come to me with your qualms and concerns regarding those things that keep you up at night, I thought I would make things easier for you. See, I’ve always got your best interests at heart. What better than to share a list of do’s and don’ts (OK, mostly don’ts, let’s be honest) of what I call “Gente Poco Responsable” so you can avoid these ridiculous behaviors and make life better for everyone. You’re welcome.
You’re going to want to just trust me on this, especially since I’ve been compared to La Tana Ferro on numerous occasions. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the wisdom.
People that Lack Common Sense
- Hitting “Reply All” to a mass email when it’s totally and completely unnecessary. The only people that are exempt from this are grandmothers that are still getting the hang of using their iPads. Really. It’s 2013. There is no excuse for filling up the inboxes of 43 people just to say “Can’t wait for Saturday! I will check if Juanchi can make it! Count on me to bring some wine.” Just, no. If you do this, know that you are hated by each and every person that receives these inane messages and your Internet privileges should be revoked.
- TYPING EMAILS AND COMMUNICATING ON SOCIAL MEDIA IN ALL CAPS. If I have to explain why this is perhaps the most annoying thing you can do, you might as well just show yourself out. Again, if you are legally blind because you’re 80 years old and only on Facebook so you can see pictures of your grandchildren, I can let this one slide. Otherwise, know that every time you type in all caps, bad things happen to puppies and baby sloths.
- Standing next to the buttons inside the elevator and not taking responsibility for closing the door. Fun fact: I hate waiting for other people. Especially when I don’t even know them. What can I say? I’m an urban misanthrope. So when I am heading to work every morning, the last thing I want to do is get screwed out of a quiet elevator ride to the 29th floor while a ton of dopes waddle in because you couldn’t close the doors fast enough. To be fair, 99.9% of the time I assume responsibility for all door-closing actions, of course. It’s the only way. But I’m not always this lucky. So, if you are going to plant yourself next to what is essentially the command center of this metal box that is going to fly up to the top of a building, you better take that job seriously. No one wants to make 12 stops on the way up or down. If you do, you should seriously rethink your life’s priorities.
People that Lack Respect for their Fellow Man
- Those that do not pick up after their dog. Hey everyone. It’s 2013. Do I need to remind you of this every time we talk? If you’re apparently capable of taking care of a dog, why the balls can’t you remember to bring a plastic bag with you every time you go on a walk? Does ANYONE enjoy the surprise of stepping in a pile of crap? When it’s raining? And you’re wearing nothing but a flimsy pair of flip-flops? Pretty sure the answer is no. OK, I understand that sometimes our poop factories on a leash might go twice on the same walk. That’s cool, it’s happened to the best of us. But you know what I do? Find a giant leaf or something and do my best to pick that shit up. Literally. Pick it up. I am considering the idea of starting an escrache campaign against the offenders. I’ll be watching you.
- Litter bugs. Hi there. We don’t live in Mad Men Season 1. We live in a world where you throw away your trash in the proper receptacles that have been designed especially for this purpose. I have seen people dump their soggy yerba on a busy city sidewalk like it’s nothing, crumple up their cigarette pack and toss it to the side and keep walking, and throw fast food bags and cups out the window of their car on the Panamericana like it’s going out of style. Do you know what I say to people like you when I catch you in the act? I will walk up to you calmly, hand you whatever you’ve tossed to the ground and say in my sweetest voice, “I’m sorry, it seems that you’ve dropped this.” The look on your face when you realize you’re an asshole that hates the planet is always priceless.
- Those that cannot grasp the concept of “Stand Right, Walk Left” on an escalator. We can’t all live a life of leisure, not batting an eye at the passage of time, sauntering about town while we flit from one social appointment to the next. Some of us have jobs to do and places to be. Most of us would like to get to these places in a timely manner, especially if it involves catching a train or bus that operates on an unreliable schedule. You see, when you decide to clog the escalator by standing on the left-hand side so I can’t speed walk to the top and therefore get to my final destination more quickly, you are effectively both ruining my day and contributing to the dwindling hope I have for humanity. How hard is it to obey this simple axiom? Why must you defy convention and piss everyone off at the same time? Please just STAND TO THE RIGHT and let everyone else WALK up the escalator. Besides, if you’re so lazy that you can’t even walk up a moving staircase, you might want to think about joining a gym.
People that Should Not be Allowed to Leave the House and/or Were Raised in a Barn
- People incapable of eating or drinking quietly. It baffles me to think that some humans do not understand how completely disgusting and impolite it is to drink or eat while making excessive noise with their mouth. Crunching down on chips with a gung-ho attitude isn’t cool, it’s annoying. Slurping on your soup or fruity cocktail isn’t attractive, it’s repulsive. Smacking your lips and chewing with your mouth open only leads me to question not only those who raised you, but your own degree of self-awareness and inability to realize how unattractive your habits are. If you think I’m being too harsh, imagine this: Even Heidi Montag is capable of chewing with her mouth shut. Enough said.
- People with runny noses that refuse to use tissues. It’s winter and we’ve all be caught with a case of the sniffles. That’s cool, not all of us have immune systems of steel. However, if you’re going to go out in public, a guaranteed way to garner unwanted glances if you’re the guy snorting up massive quantities of snot and then making weird throat noises suddenly thereafter. How hard is it to use a tissue? A handkerchief? Excuse yourself to the bathroom if you’re about to produce sounds of a symphonic proportion, and dear God please don’t go to the movies if you aren’t prepared for your own bodily functions. I will give you the evil eye and I will assume I am better than you. You know why? Because I am. Untreated runny noses are reserved for 4-year olds that can’t dress themselves yet. Do us all a favor and get that under control, buddy.
So, how do you feel? Enlightened? A little self-conscious? Good. I hope you’ve enjoyed the first installment of Gente Poco Responsable. See you soon for more illuminating insights from yours truly. In the meantime, get your manners under control. Lylas!