Happy New Year, China!

You euro-centric westerners may not aware of it, but China is entering year 4711 this week.

And in case you needed a terrifying reminder of how the Asian giant has us grabbed by the balls (we sell them a lot of soybean-oil, you know), there is now video evidence of our servile demeanor towards them courtesy of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner.

In an unusual move by the Government, the official Casa Rosada YouTube channel released a quirky “Behind the Scenes” MTV-style video featuring Cristina and an adorable (and terrifying) “Happy New Year” message to the Chinese.

As it turns out, Cristina was forced at gunpoint invited to deliver the congratulatory message in Mandarin, and she agreed to do so before the austere look of a Chinese woman (an interpreter? an assassin?), who was probably sent there to oversee that no call for help was coded into the seemingly jolly footage.

After a brief preamble in Spanish while sitting uncomfortably at her desk (and pretending to be a sexy white Oprah), Cristina says “Zhu ni men, chu jie kuai le” and then switches back to Spanish, saying: “I don’t know how it sounded, but at least I gave it a shot“.

Nice try Madam President, but according to Google Translate, Zhu ni men, chu jie kuai le means “I wish you a happy Spring festival”.

“Spring”?! Did the President fuck up the pronunciation? Well, no. She did not. As it turns out, the way to celebrate the arrival of the new year is by welcoming the Spring. So there, you learned something new.

The message was featured on the Chinese presidential channel and the state-run network China Central Television (or CCTV, an acronym suspiciously similar to that of CCTV, used all over the world for the surveillance of billions of souls).

Year 4711 is the year of the snake, which happens to be Cristina’s Chinese astrological sign because she was born in February 1953 (wait until the anti-Ks get a hold of that fascinating piece of trivia).

The National Government said that Israel and Sweden also recorded congratulatory messages for the Chinese people this year.

Oh and dude. Somebody clean up her desk like, now.

[Screengrab via Casa Rosada You Tube Channel]