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Damn, 600 kg of rare Argentine beef sounds exactly like what the doctor ordered. But one very raw asado went on a mini-rampage in Ezpeleta, Buenos Aires Province yesterday after it managed to go Andy Dufresne from a local abattoir.

Anyone who’s been face-to-face with a bull will be familiar with the terror, especially if you’re wearing your favorite red sweater your grandma knitted you, with some standing seven feet tall at the shoulder with horns designed to maim and kill.

That was what was felt by residents yesterday as the escapee went full Pamplona between people’s houses, with witnesses saying it looked “frightened and agitated.”

The Angus steak claimed the scalps of four brave people (morons) who (unwisely) got in its path after it was (stupidly) chased for several blocks. Fear not, they were just hurt, but it could’ve been a whole lot worse.


Look, I get there’s something oddly primitive about chasing an enormous animal, but do not try this at home. Seriously. You’ll get fucked up. Like, really fucked up. Dr. Ariel Corse, a vet and head of anti-animal abuse organization ACMA, had a stark warning. “These animals can kill in less than 20 seconds, it’d be like getting hit by a train.”

One of the injured was 44-year-old Fernando Manrique who attempted to chase the bull away from the front of his house, saying “I managed to get it away, but it turned on me, causing me to fly 30 meters through the air.” It’s okay though because Manrique claims to be “very strong” with a robust body of some 120 kg, which he claims to be the reason he survived. The Quilmeño also reached out to thank Hospital Iriate who treated his injures, which included head wounds, a broken wrist and an over-inflated ego.

Fortunately, a local resident had experience in the field of capturing stray animals and calmed the bull down by playing whale song and running it a bath. Not really, he was once a baqueano and managed to tie the bull up, presumably with a lasso.

Animal rights campaigners have condemned the abattoir, saying that such holdings should not be in urban areas and called for the creation of specialized patrols to counter such incidents in future, which is all very rational and hard to disagree with based on this evidence.