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Welcome to the Hunger Games Valentine’s Day! A day for love, a day to remember you are forever alone, a day for licking melted cheese off your plate, but above all a day for reflecting on why no one wants you sarcasm! So much sarcasm all day long to protect your cold dead heart. See what I did there? And memes! Memes of Liz Lemon and memes of shooting cupid, memes about catching feelings — Happy international meme day y’all!

Today is also a day to remember all the nice men and women you went on dates with this year and so heartlessly cast aside because they were way too into you. As the Beatles say “with a love like that you know you should be glad” but you are not glad, because you are terrible. You sit coldly across the table from your dates wondering what sort of terrible childhood trauma they must have suffered to be declaring their outright intentions so haphazardly. But just like Gandhi always said, you are the fuckboy that you attract. And as I say, you get the melted cheese love that you deserve. And when I say “you” I obviously mean “me.”

Presente!
Presente!

 

How do you navigate this town today though — to wander the lonely calles, on this day, the imperialist’s dia de enamorados? Let us turn to the Argentine greats today for guidance, us helpless neophytes, with only our sarcasm sharp wit to protect us.

Who better to teach us in the ways of Argentine love than the masters themselves? The reigning kings of the land of chamuyero, the most histerico of all in this city of the fury. Intense, no? Just wait it gets messier.

“Come sleep with me: We won’t make love, love will make us.”

Right. Well. Here we have Julio Cortazar, legend hisself, giving me goosebumps middle school style. He serves up some feelings, the way Justin Timberlake in his frosted tips served it to you circa 2000.

Let’s break it down. Right so, we won’t have sex, sex will have us? Sounds alarming. We are sex? We are love! I am love! I’m Tilda Swinton! No…

I don’t know you guys, it’s good from far away but up close…

Fine. There is something comforting about remembering how love can build you up instead of being the source of that yearly shame spiral of chardonnay, Netflix and shopping online for your cat’s halloween costume.

Cher knows.
Cher knows.

“I am not sure that I exist, actually. I am all the writers that I have read, all the people that I have met, all the women that I have loved; all the cities that I have visited.”

Right well here we have Jorge Luis Borges letting us know that he’s well travelled and that he can read. I mean, what can’t he do?

And that even after you’ve broken up with a person, that person will carry you with them always — so don’t be sad. But maybe be a little alarmed that things you did when you were 17 will be with Greg forever.

Great for throw pillows and opening lines for a therapy session — Borges knows how to get you through the day.

“What I love most about Norway is you ladies. Back home I am used to fat and hairy women journalists”

Here we have Diego Maradona, he of the holy hand, directly attacking me and my person. Nevermind. I said, never mind.

“Nada personal, oh oh oh”

This one is a bit tricky. Here we have the boys of Soda Stereo letting me know that, essentially, it’s not them, it’s me. Oh Gustavo Cerati, I already know. Remember kids: the “it’s not you it’s me” line is the oldest one in the book, and is never true. There is probably something nothing wrong with you. Your mom totally cleared that up in the card she sent with your last care package.

dysfunctiondemotivator_grande

“Being with you and not being with you is the only way I have to measure time”

This is our old friend Borges again. Right well then I’m guessing they measure time in Argentina every two weeks or so, as that is how often you will see that guy you’ve been texting. So mostly in terms of not being with you — but whatsapping you every five minutes, probably to check the time? I don’t know. He wants to be with you and then not be with you — maybe he just wants a watch. We will never know.

Or Maybe Jorge Luis is just trying to tell us to chill out. That though you may not spend every minute with the person, he thinks of you always. All the time. The call is coming from inside the house…

“I am against any situation that bothers a woman on the street. I don’t give those kinds of piropos.”

Here we have President Mauricio Macri taking back his offensive statements on piropos (cat calling) because his daughter lost it with him for being, you know, sexist. So he admitted to being wrong and apologized for perpetuating totally uncool behavior. Ladies, get you a man who can admit that you are always right. Just kidding, get you a man you respects your basic rights as a person. Get you a man who can do both.

And there you have it. Love is patient, love is kind, love is being right and being a full-on Monet, love is listening to your daughter and apparently shaving your legs. And, as the internet has informed us today, love is a lot of memes about cats and drinking wine and being forever alooooone.

So today, eat some cheese, have a meme, tell your friends how much you love them, and your mom too, because in the words of our own Jorge L. Borges, “The mightiest love was granted him, love that does not expect to be loved.”

These guys. all Day long.
These guys. All day long.

Te queremos readers and be careful, it’s a jungle out there.