Photo via Univision

Well, that was beyond painful.

Imagine if Swaziland invaded China, and came out on top. Well, that’s basically what happened last night. And you know exactly what I’m talking about, even though you have no idea where Swaziland is. Despite all the talent Argentina has its disposal they still can’t seem to score How is this possible? How is it that they fail at every single opportunity?

There are only three possible causes:

  1. Selfish, egoistic football players who despite their obvious abilities fail to work together as a team.
  2. Black magic/voodoo
  3. The end of the world as we know it: ‘… for when Argentina fail to annihilate Venezuela in Buenos Aires, return to the Temples‘,  Revelations 13:21*

(*Not actual scripture)

Let’s take a look at what happened, shall we?

The Match

Argentina went into last night’s match needing a win. To make matters easier for them, the results went well elsewhere; Chile was defeated and Colombia drew, yet they still failed to deliver. And yet, our team failed to beat an opponent that had, until yesterday, only amassed 7 points, scoring a meagre 10 goals in the process.

Argentina started the game under pressure, but performed well in the first half hour. Unfortunately, Di Maria had to be replaced by Sevilla’s Acuna in the 25th minute by what appeared to be a thigh injury. Following his exit, the performance went from fast pace to lackluster.

Messi played well throughout the first half creating numerous chances, only to see them all wasted by the likes of Icardi. And as the second half commenced, it only seemed like a matter of time until the inevitable happened and Argentina finally took the lead.

Then, absolute disaster: in the 51st minute, a rapid Venezuelan counterattack, twinned with shocking defending, allowed Jhon Murillo to give Venezuela the lead and score. Horror!

From that point on, Argentina really became desperate. They were able to claw one goal back through Rolf Feltscher, who put an Acuna cross into his net. Lucky for Argentina as Icardi would have been the recipient of that cross.

The game dragged on and the albiceleste gave in to exasperation, shot after shot after shot the players simply couldn’t break the Venezuelan wall.

Argentina finished the game with a staggering 76 percent possession, and recorded 21 shots in comparison to Venezuela’s 7. Despite Messi’s best efforts, they failed to break down a resilient Venezuela partly due to the Venezuelans parking the bus and partly due to the complete and utter wreck that is the Argentine attack.

What went wrong?

Well let’s see. The team was flawed from the start by the inclusion of Fazio and Icardi, both of whom are, well, shit. (Sorry, fans). Icardi, who couldn’t hit a barn door if he wanted to, missed two absolute sitters and shouldn’t have started over Aguero. Higuain and Aguero get criticized on a regular basis for their performances for the National Team, which I wouldn’t disagree with, but it’s about time we add Icardi to that list.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what 3.2M euros a year will get you.

No, I’m not kidding. Fazio, who had an unimpressive game against Uruguay a few days ago, had an absolute shocker last night and must take some responsibility for the Murillo goal in the 51st minute, partly due to the fact that he can’t actually do his job.

(He’s the lazy jerk who fails to mark Rondon)

Di Maria was playing well and created three chances prior to coming off injured. His replacement, Acuna, actually didn’t play that bad but failed to fill the void that Di Maria left.

Icardi was eventually taken off, albeit 75 minutes too late, and his replacement, Pastore, was hardly a step up. He turned out to be equally as shit as Icardi! So again, the question must be begged: Why not El Kun?

After the game the usual lamentations came out. That the team was under pressure, that the Venezuelans could sense that and bla, bla bla. I still can’t buy that argument. These are players who play week in week out at the highest level of continental and domestic football, many of whom have been doing it for years.

Remember these guys who are always getting killed in the Star Wars movies?


Even they are better shots than the Argentine front three.

It was in many ways, for the spectator, a step up from last week’s dire performance against Uruguay, but who am I kidding, that’s hardly a step up anyway.

Argentina has two games left, at home against Peru, who now sit above Argentina in the table, and then away against Ecuador, both of which are going to be tough, made tougher by Argentina’s horrific form.

What do we do now?

I personally would recommend sharpening pitch forks and hoarding torches. It’s time for a good old fashion witch hunt. Either that or become a fan of a different sport. The choice is yours.